Wednesday, May 31, 2006

That Time Of The Month

I have a lifelong habit of starting things on the first of the month. That would be tomorrow. I also have a lifelong habit of stopping those things by the 2nd or 3rd of the month. Sometimes I manage to hang in there for a few weeks.

I'd like to know how other people handle stress in their to know of examples where they don't fall into every whim and habit that strikes their fancy. Or if they do, how they manage not to beat themselves up for it. I may only last a few days or a few weeks at best but I can be very predictable about how I will handle stress. I will go to a place inside that feels like a safe cave. And I will hide there while pretending not to. I've been doing that for a while now. Other than maintaining my sobriety, I am madly out of control.

Anyway I am taking a break from blogging and the computer for the month of June. I won't be writing emails either so if I owe you one right now it will be a while before I respond. I have found that the more I blog and write emails the less I write in my journal and do morning pages. I think my last morning pages were penned back in March. I hope that returning to that habit will help me take a more honest look at some of the other habits I am entrenched in. I know myself well enough to know that cutting myself off of the computer for a few weeks means that I will be on here until midnight tonight. Kind of like when I decide I am going to change my eating habits and binge on three chocoloate bars the day before I reform my habits.

I doubt we will have any answers to dearest one's health problems before I return. Yesterday the doctor said that the wait time for a CT had been, until recently, 3 or 4 months. He had heard the wait was less now but he had no idea what less was. With only 2 Internists available for a population base of 100,000 people I think the wait to see the surgeon might be even longer. I find myself in what I call "limbo land" while I wait to see what is. It's a long established pattern from childhood as well. I couldn't handle living in today, I was always living for the future. Limbo land is a place I reside less often but is still often more homey than the present.

I will be travelling next week for my own medical stuff. Actually two round trips of 1000 miles each between now and the end of June for medical tests and appointments with specialists. It's all routine stuff that needs to be done. Today was a no spoons day. I am hoping that the routine tests show there has been no detioration in my body's inability to oxygenate all the blood that makes the loop through my heart. If all the tests come back with similar results as last time I will be thankful.

So that's about it. If you want to read some of my earlier stuff here are a few posts that say a lot about where I am at:

Brewing In My Soul
Trashing Candy Machines
Waking From The Coma
Kissed To Death

It's not all that dark, trust me.

And if you want to read something else here are a few blogs I read all the time:

A New Life Emerging
Motherhood Is Not For Wimps
Coming To The Quiet
Swept Over
Open Book

I am going to dig out my painting supplies and paint. I am going to read again a book that has helped me called Healing the Shame That Binds You. I am going to miss you all between now and when I return. Let's hope for my sake that I last more than a few days away from the screen.

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