Today is my mother's birthday. The first without her. I've had such an up and down week emotionally. All these firsts for both my parents. I think I'm finally to the point where I can acknowledge I have little or nothing to give. My older sister suggested to me the other day that I tell people that I need to be on the receiving end instead of the giving end in this season of my life. So many protesting 'but, but, buts...' rose up within me. Maybe I can allow myself to simply be and stop expecting so much of myself. I don't know who I am trying to impress.
The other day a friend I hadn't seen in a while told me she thought of me, in respect to all that this year has held for me in terms of crisis, as super human. She said it in a way that left me with the impression that she'd said it to mutual people we know. I shuddered. I'm simply human. The more people in my life die the less I hanker after pedestals, for myself or others. I feel haunted by watching my mother die. (that last line reverberates within me like a needle stuck on a record, around and around it goes.)
Not long ago I thought of a woman who I've looked up to in a motherish kind of way for years. She doesn't know that. I've long been aware of my tendency to see her this way. With my own mother now gone I realized the reaching for mother approval was finished. If not now, when?
It's a weird stage of life. I look to the grandmothers, aunts and my mother behind me and to the daughter, daughters-in-law, and two granddaughters in front of me.
The other day a friend I hadn't seen in a while told me she thought of me, in respect to all that this year has held for me in terms of crisis, as super human. She said it in a way that left me with the impression that she'd said it to mutual people we know. I shuddered. I'm simply human. The more people in my life die the less I hanker after pedestals, for myself or others. I feel haunted by watching my mother die. (that last line reverberates within me like a needle stuck on a record, around and around it goes.)
Not long ago I thought of a woman who I've looked up to in a motherish kind of way for years. She doesn't know that. I've long been aware of my tendency to see her this way. With my own mother now gone I realized the reaching for mother approval was finished. If not now, when?
It's a weird stage of life. I look to the grandmothers, aunts and my mother behind me and to the daughter, daughters-in-law, and two granddaughters in front of me.
2 comments:
Blogging again, is it cathartic? I often think of our friend Jim when I posting new posts. He was always so encouraging.
I think allowing ourselves to just "be" is a noble thing. I was doing it very well for a while but I've fallen off that path again. I guess it really is something that is never totally learned, and has to be taken up again and again.
I love you, Hope, I'm sorry for all the firsts you'll be facing this year. You are simply human, but you're one of the realest "simply human" beings I know. Hugs to you on these days of remembrance and on the ones to come.
I'm not sure if it's cathartic but I sure wish to do something with everything that feels like it's swirling within me so here I be.
I love you, too. I was cleaning up my home office on the weekend and came across a little slip of paper with Jim's address on it. It made me miss him. He was so encouraging.
Hugs back at you.
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