"I don't want to walk timidly through life." I say this to Fr. Charlie, my spiritual director. It is a relief to unload all my fears and hopes and gut honest thoughts. We haven't spoken since the day before my mastectomy. There is a lot of ground to cover. After several hours I leave his office, affirmed once again in my humanity.
I had almost cancelled the appointment because the weatherman had been forecasting snow and I have become a coward when it comes to winter driving. I find the need to talk myself through many things these days. It's as if well, because of the cancer diagnosis I realize on another level that if that can happen anything can happen. So I constantly have to remind myself that just because anything can happen doesn't mean it will happen. And like a boat gently tapping up against the dock, waves constantly keeping it in motion, I keep bumping up against fear of the unknown.
I had almost cancelled the appointment because the weatherman had been forecasting snow and I have become a coward when it comes to winter driving. I find the need to talk myself through many things these days. It's as if well, because of the cancer diagnosis I realize on another level that if that can happen anything can happen. So I constantly have to remind myself that just because anything can happen doesn't mean it will happen. And like a boat gently tapping up against the dock, waves constantly keeping it in motion, I keep bumping up against fear of the unknown.
5 comments:
You keep on keeping on, Hope. You are an inspiration to me. Hugs to you.
I realize that we all present someone who isn't wholly ourselves in the blogosphere, but I would be the last person to accuse you of going through life timidly, Hope. "Gutsy" is a more accuratet description,IMO.
I just worked through my fears for my step 4/5 in a new format and it was one of the most tangible exercises I have done. I hate that things are so scary right now. So glad you got to spend time with FC. You look more like courage than fear from over here, just so you know. Love you friend.
I love the image of the boat bumping against the dock. I identify with that very much. Sometimes I have to let faith let the rope out a bit and let the boat rise and fall on the water, and leave the dock be.
It sounds like your faith is helping to walk through these fears. Fears are what drive me most, and even though I let go of resentments and let things fall where they may, I find fears are the toughest burrs to shake.
Lovely post - thanks for sharing :)
The young fellow who teaches our room at school has a spiritual counselor that he visits once a month, their dialogue, of course, confidential; but he does share with me sometimes advice given him by his mentor, the two of us tossing around my own thoughts concerning one thing or another. We don't "do" such councelors in Pentecost; but I would venture to suggest it's our loss. While there is no subsitute for a "prayer closet", my humanity yet remains my humanity and I am thankful for a few close friends who walk through this with me. Let me add only that I agree with Heidi above: you give more witness of courage in this journey than you do of fear, my friend.
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