Tuesday, January 25, 2011

That Mysterious Wedding

"Oh, good. If you're working from home, you'll clean your desk."

That was last week. The roads were too icy to travel so I'd brought data entry stuff to do from home just in case. Dearest one has a hard time reconciling my spotless desk at work with my messy one at home. I don't.

At work my desk is the first one the public sees when they walk into our building. I'm the first person they come in contact with. It's important to me to represent our company well. Plus I'd be very inefficient at work if I didn't keep track of paperwork in a timely manner. And most likely fired as well. Although I have to admit that last week, when I was doing data entry, the disappearing information, hidden in yet another screen, felt like looking under piles of paper on my desk, saying "It was here just a second ago!" Five hours of that made me realize I prefer going to the office to work.

The truth be told, I did have cleaning off my desk on my to do list last week.
Today I am finally making it happen.

Amid the three catalogues, 4 magazines, and 5 books I've unearthed so far there have been dozens of little pieces of paper, too. About half can be tossed. Christmas lists of things to do are behind me for another year. Every once in a while I scrunch up my face and wonder why I wrote down a name I can't recognize or some words that make absolutely no sense. And then there are the scraps of paper holding information I need transfer before I can let them go. The one in the photo above grabbed my attention as I was sorting. I have no idea where it came from. Most likely from somewhere on the web.

There was a time when I would have used that quote to measure myself, beat myself up, be discouraged with who I am. Told myself that I was not good enough, had to try harder.

Today I'm pondering it, wondering what it has to say to me, if anything.
If I can't accept that who I am in this minute is enough then there's a good chance that my striving to do better is ego driven.
I can do better, but not on my own strength.
Change is that mysterious wedding between my willingness and God's grace.
I really believe that even my willingness is a grace, too.


Kathy M. said...

Dear Hope,

I love this post.

On the ride home after a Big Book study last night, a program friend asked me if I was happy with myself.

She was asking because in the meeting we had talked about "Al-Anonisms." There was quite an extensive list of characteristics, nearly all of which I had to admit applied to me.

My friend thought the list too negative. She wanted to focus on the positives about herself.

What I struggled to say was much along the lines of your post here. I know I have defects of character, but I don't beat myself up about them today.

Nor do I worry about whether and when they will be removed. I was taught that I don't get to choose. If I do what I've been taught to do in this program, then God will do for me what I can't do for myself. That he doesn't remove the defects I want him to, but those that stand in the way of my usefulness to Him and to others.

So I'm neither happy or unhappy with myself. I am the best person I can be today. And that's enough.

She was unconvinced. But today, I'm okay with that, too.

Thanks for sharing.

Jim said...

"Folks are dumb where I come from, they don't have any learnin, Still I'm happy as can be, doing a what comes natcherly"...From the musical "Annie Get Your Gun" if I remember correctly....

daisymarie said...

I excavated a portion of my desk last night and I found a lot of little bits of nothing. I need to get back to using it. My creativity has nearly disappeared.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...


Having just read this on this Monday morning that seemed a little overwhelming, I'm grateful for the occasional stop to seek direction and a moment of reflection on someone elses experience.

Reading this was a gift to me today.

Thank you!