There are two Pugs who will howl unabashedly when dearest one comes home tonight. One little Pug has had to be carried to bed lest he look out the window all night in hopes of dearest one coming home.Yesterday morning I watched a doe and her two bambis, complete with spots, walk tentatively across the lawn. Later in the day a bird stopped atop a fence post and serenaded me. That was a nice antidote to the dead mouse I had to deal with earlier in the day.
Today housework and writing will fill my waking hours. Every morning I wake up thinking about the family member who committed suicide last week and how he is missing out on this brand new day. I feel angry and sad both. It's been 30+ years since I've had a suicidal feeling. I've done a lot of reading online the past week about suicide and this post has helped.
I think any time there is a death it brings to the surface all the unhealed grief within me. In all selfishness I hope I don't have to buy any more sympathy cards for a while.
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8 comments:
my warmest thoughts and condolences go out to you.
heartbreaking stuff this is.
I admire that you are seeking out new life in this time of sadness and loss. Thoughts to you ...
The good thing I hear in your post is that you allowed yourself the feelings and you worked through them by doing more reading and research. I always feel I am in a healthy place when I am proactive like that. It is indeed a very sad event and my heart goes out to you and family and friends of the person who decided to leave.
I pray you don't either.
It's a completely understandable wish, and not a selfish one, either.
There's nothing so deafening as despair. You can hear nothing but that darkness inside. You can't hear love or birds or hope or anything good. When a friend of mine killed himself last year, I wrote a poem called "How Much More Loving Did You Need?" which shows you how angry and appalled I was. Like you, I had to sit with it for awhile before it stopped being about me and started being about him. We talk in our AA rooms about being blessed with the "gift of desparation," meaning that we arrived in the rooms driven by the fear of despair, which made us willing to do anything to be free of it. For some reason we were blessed with a way up and out. Not all of us are blessed like that. The priest's post was really lovely and reassuring. Thanks for it. Thinking of you...
I can understand those two feelings living side by side and appreciated reading the post you recommended.
(((Hope and family)))
Mich
I know I come to so much slowly and older than most, but I have found exactly what you state here to be so true..that we feel what we feel and we have to or we end up stunting ourselves and our lives to a point where we create more pain...
Much light and love to you!
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