Monday, Monday

Monday night. Lord willing, when I wake up tomorrow, I will have six months abstinence from sexual addiction. That feels like a gift and a miracle. I wish the struggle had disappeared with this short passage of time. The energy it takes to be present in this moment feels excruciating. Sometimes I feel pissed off that this journey is without an instant presto prayer that erases the human struggle. And still other days I am grateful we live in this moment only. Hard to please aren't I?

In hashing out life during my session with Fr. Charlie today, I was left with the thought once again to accept where I am on the path. I told him that while I was thankful not to be carrying around the shit load of shame that used to be part of my sexual addiction neither was I happy. The energy it is taking to fight my addictions combined with the energy it takes to deal with my chronic illness feels like too much these days. But neither issue is going anywhere. So deal with them both I must. But I am so tired of doing that. Accepting what I cannot change is not going well these days.

Peace.
I'd like some peace in the midst of it all.

"O Lord, I do not know what to ask of You.
You alone know my true needs.
You love me more than I myself know how to love.
Help me to see my real needs which are concealed from me.
I do not dare to ask either for a cross or for consolation.
I can only wait on You. My heart is open to You.
Visit me and help me, for the sake of Your mercy.
Strike me, and heal me; cast me down and raise me up.
I worship in silence Your holy will, and Your unsearchable ways.
I offer myself as a sacrifice to You.
I have no desire than to fulfill Your will.
Teach me to pray. Pray, You Yourself in me.
Amen."
~ Metropolitan Philaret of Moscow