Giving Birth

Simply be. So easy to type, so hard to do. This is the part of the journey where I usually chicken out. Getting down to the hard stuff feels a little like having the 24 hour stomach flu, except you don't know when it's going to end, only that Someone told you it would and you gotta take that on faith.

I hate feeling needy. Hate, hate, hate it. I can wrap my head around the reality that everyone has needs. I still fear my needs not being met. In any way, shape or form.

Yesterday we were in town. A decision made unexpectedly threw me for a loop. I went to the van to sort it out. Sort me out. What was I feeling? Anger. The kind of anger that makes me want to cry. So I did. Kept digging. Why was I angry? I feel like I am in grade school with this crap. Well, the truth is I am. I am sure I buried my needs, my feelings much earlier than grade school so this truth should not alarm me. When all was said and done the root of the anger was fear. Fear that the unexpected decision would mean my needs would not be met. Somehow figuring that all out diffused the anger and the fear. Because in reality the decision made was no threat to my needs. When I figured this all out I caught a glimmer of hope that I could do this. I could befriend my emotions instead of continuing to act like they were my enemy. Only last week I would have gone and bought something to eat and shovelled the food in fast in the hope that the feelings could be shoved down to the point where I wouldn't have to feel them.

Tonight I'm in that space where I feel so desperately needy and I know how much I avoid people who are this needy. When I am around them I feel like I am going to be sucked dry. There's a mantra going around in my head, "Careful, don't get too needy." It's followed by another that says, "Simply be."

It is so much easier to go looking for distraction than it is to deal with what is. To simply be where I am on the journey. Tonight I have 18 years of sobriety, 17 days of abstinence from sexual addiction and 10 days free from feeding my feelings. Last year when I started counseling this image of an egg came into my head. I got this feeling that I was giving birth to myself. I've gone through labour and delivery three times without any pain medication. Looks like this birth will follow suit.