Birthday Boys

I have two brothers with whom I have next to no contact. One hasn't been in my home for close to twenty years and the other has only been here once in my 24 years of married life. It is weird how I just think of that as normal. They never call me and any news we have of one another comes through my mom. My older brother turned 47 today and my younger brother turns 41 tomorrow. They often had their birthdays lumped together as children. That must have sucked.

I send them a card every year and some years I phone them as well. One brother lives 10 hours away and the other thirteen. I don't really know their children anymore and now some of their children have children.

I have sometimes wondered what it would take to have a relationship with each of them. To talk about things that matter. Things of the heart. Sometimes I wonder if they will one day come to my funeral and wonder about this sister they never knew. Or if I will go to theirs and see that their friends knew them better than their siblings did. I have no idea how to go about having a real relationship with them. There is nothing reciprocated when I try to reach out. Both of my brothers married women from families that were not close to one another. I sometimes wonder whether this has had an influence in our lack of communication. Had they married women who were close with their own families would they have made more effort to contact me? Both brothers messed with my sexuality - one covertly and one overtly. I wonder if they remember? I do.

Of the four of us who married among my siblings only one of us had a normal wedding with all of us present. The rest, including me, had weddings with little or no family present. The niece and nephew who are married now had little family present - we never had an invite and only knew of the weddings because of my mom.

I sit here and wonder about my own kids and how the relationships between siblings will work themselves out in their lives. I would like to think it will be better. That they will matter to one another enough to keep in touch. That they won't hear each other's news via me. Most of you and for sure my close friends here in my community know me better than my siblings(except for my sister Deb). How strange is that?