Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Showing Up

"And may you always remember that obstacles in the path are not obstacles, they ARE the path." ~ Jane Catherine Lotter

Yesterday I had coffee with a good friend, the one who suggested I write a lament to God at that gathering we were both at. She said she'd been quite concerned about me after that get together because I seemed so different than I used to be. She gently asked me if anyone had suggested to me the idea of consolations and desolations to me.

Unexpectedly, tears rose within me as I nodded and managed to choke out, "I hope it doesn't last forever." When she commented that I'd been very honest with my feelings throughout this cancer journey I gulped and tried to swallow my tears. I took a few minutes to try and compose myself but was unsuccessful. Through tears I said to her, "It's the most courageous thing I've done."

Crying in a coffee shop is not my idea of a good time. Being with a friend who has no desire to fix me but simply bears witness to my journey is. Those tears were the most painful ones I've experienced in a while.

At my final appointment with a specialist yesterday we talked about amalgamating my experience of this past year into who I am now. He wryly observed that life changing circumstances are just that, life changing. It would be so much easier to accept if my life changing experience seemed to be bearing good fruit. Maybe I need to let go of what good fruit looks like, too.

I returned to the practice of Centering Prayer just over a month ago. It is an internal consent to God's presence and action in my life. This week I started a month long course in Welcoming Prayer. Showing up. That's what I feel like I am doing.

Yesterday showed me that this is where I am at. I trust it is part of a bigger picture. And that desolations do not last forever. This popped into my head as I typed that:

I have always loved this song.


Beth said...

I love that song, too.

Thanks for the reminder.

This post is so beautiful, so resonant, so fragile and bold. I am SO grateful for your honest reflection along this journey. It is powerful.

I am sharing this with friends. Thank you.

Offering a prayer of gratitude for your life right now.

Daisy said...

I am glad you have a friend who can just be with you this way.

Peter said...

If you haven't already read it, Reynolds Price's autobio, A Whole New Life, might be a good companion to your realization. On the other hand, you seem to have gotten the truth he articulates, already.

Travelling mercies, Hopester.

beth cioffoletti said...

I'm in that Welcoming prayer course too! Still not getting it, but it's just the first week. I keep falling asleep during the audios and think that might be my first insight into how much resistance I put up to dismantling my ego :-(

Seems we're on a similar wavelength, Hope!