I should be asleep. I am beyond tired. I know that sounds dramatic. Overly so. Everything sounds that way when I am sleep deprived. I don't know why sleep won't come tonight but so far it hasn't. It will. In good time. Maybe in time to go to work tomorrow. Sarcasm is not my friend anymore so when it pops up in my writing or talking it's not good. I do not miss sarcasm being my friend. I spent far too much energy over my lifetime being proud of my sarcastic, cynical mindset. I thought being that way meant I was enlightened. You know, grounded in reality, instead of being airy fairy like those positive people were. It's been such a shock to realize what I once thought was THE TRUTH wasn't. Very humbling. Makes me wonder what else I'm wrong about although I'm alternating open to finding out and not. That's better than not all by itself.
I touched base with my sponsor tonight. Maybe if I think about that conversation it will help. Sometimes I am astounded by what people have to go through, living life on life's terms. It is not for the faint of heart.
Today I thought alot about a close family member on her way to a funeral on the other side of her family by marriage. Second one this year. I wouldn't blame the remaining family member one bit if they are cursing God because they've lost their spouse and a child within 6 months of each other, both in tragic circumstances. Who wouldn't? I doubt God blames them one little bit either. I just hope they are given the grace to not stay there and the grace to stay there as long as necessary to really scrape the bottom of the pain. Imagining what they are going through could make me feel a little crazy.
I used to cringe when I heard the Lord's name taken in vain, whether out of someone else's mouth or my own. Then I read somewhere that every profanity is in itself a prayer, even if the person saying it doesn't see it that way. Why else would they say that phrase instead of something benign? We all cry out to God in different ways.
Man, there is so much pain in this world.
My goal tomorrow is not to add to it.
PS: Remember in my last post how I'd hoped I hadn't hung up on my supervisor? Yep, I did. We were all standing around discussing that incident today when we both put the pieces together. I looked at her and said, "I bet you just thought you had crappy cell phone reception." And she looked at me and laughed and said that was exactly what she'd thought. God bless bosses with their humanity intact.