Wholeheartedly

This morning I watched an elderly couple skate circles around each other at the ice rink in what used to be the world's largest mall. She, with gray hair and aging body, made the graceful spins and twirls seem effortless. Her actions had the ease of a teenager and I wondered if she felt like a young girl again.

He, well, what a sight. Dressed in blue jeans, a button up blue shirt and a ball cap, he made these little jumps and twirls, spreading his arms with such flair as he landed them, that I couldn't help but stand there and grin. He, too, had a big grin on his face as he skated.
He looked full of joy.
It did my heart good.

My heart.
It needed some good.
My appointment with the cardiologist didn't go as expected.
I was so sure she would lecture me about my weight (which she did), be happy about my cholesterol readings (which she didn't even address) and then send me on my way with a "see you in two years time" wave of the hand.

Nope.

She sat and told me that the upper chambers of my heart are enlarged. That she needs to run a battery of tests to see what is going on. Most likely it's a hole somewhere or the shunting that was deduced several years ago, but whose source was never found, that is wreaking havoc with my heart.

I sat there and just wanted to cry.
I regretted being alone,
in a city 8 hours from home,
as she told me that news.
I felt so vulnerable.

I thought about my increasing fatigue that I'd been blaming on my new job.
About the near daily bouts of my heartrate speeding up.
About how I almost never wake up feeling rested.
I thought to myself that I was glad she didn't tell me I have cancer.
Somehow I feel more in control less vulnerable with heart issues.

I know there are things I can do to help my heart.
She laid those out clearly.
And there are things that are completely out of my hands.

It was a three hour drive to get to where dearest one was at a conference.
The committe in my head had one hell of a party on the way there.
I had to distract them too many times to count.
They went full speed from one far reaching conclusion and back again.
Ridiculous, but very human thoughts.

I get to dearest one and he is in one foul mood.
He had a migraine so he left the conference mid morning,
took his migraine meds, and next thing he knows it's mid afternoon.
His eyes are still light sensitive and his head is tender.
I'd be grumpy, too, if I were him.
We wait at the elevator and I start to take his mood personally.
I think of the video I posted earlier in the month
and smile to myself.
Okay, dearest one is grumpy, I am feeling needy
and I get to choose my attitude.
Somewhere in my head I think, "Lovely, just lovely."
Then I pray and detach and manage not to get sucked into grumpyland.
We sit with our backs up against the headboard of the bed and talk.
Eventually dearest one asks me how my appointment went.
There is an "oh shit" look on his face when I tell him.
Sometimes being married to a nurse sucks.
They know how serious an enlarged heart can be.

Earlier in the day I tell God that I am not going back to a life where I have to count my spoons. Not if I can help it. Problem is I can only help so much, you know?

I haven't sat and fully hashed this out with God,
but I will.
After the house is quiet and people have gone to work
I will sit and tell God all about my fears.
I will have a good cry.
And I will surrender the whole situation and myself
to the One who loves me wholeheartedly.
I will pray the Lord's prayer.
Surrender is both sweet and painful.
It will,no doubt, do my heart good.