I'm going to crawl into an empty bed soon.
Dearest one is away.
He works way too early tomorrow to make the 80km trip to town plus pull a 12 hour work day on top of that. Oldest son and his new bride graciously open their door to him every week. Not everyone is that fortunate to have such a welcoming relationship with their married children; we try not to take it for granted.
Dearest one and I used to tease each other that whoever got the bed to themselves was one lucky person. No bed hog (that would be me) to deal with. No blanket hog (me, too) to wrestle with. No tug of war between a fickle throw the blankets off person (me) or hug them tight to keep out the cold (that would be me, too). No, having the bed to oneself meant you could do what you please with covers and space and pillows.
Sometime in the past 26 years an empty bed lost its appeal.
Whether we're in a for better or for worse time in married life, I try not to take for granted that (even if seconds earlier I've been tempted to whack him with a pillow), dearest one's still very much there, you know?
I have a friend who lost her husband in an accident 10 years ago.
She never slept in their bed again.
I think of her every single night that I crawl into bed and snuggle up to dearest one's back. I always kiss the spot between his shoulder blades when I feel the warmth of his body. Then he turns over and I snuggle into his arms. We've done that every night for ages now. We did it in the beginning of our relationship; falling asleep that way. Then there were years and years when we forgot that comforting ritual. During a really difficult time 5 years ago, though, we returned to it. When that tough time passed, we continued to snuggle up. Some days it's the only moment of connection we have. Even when we've been pissy with each other all day, we still snuggle up. I never forget my friend and how she longs for the warmth of her husband's body.
Early this morning my snoring must have woken up dearest one. Just as he was about to make me shut my mouth to stop the noise, I woke up. Then a moment later, I must have been breathing very quietly because I woke up again as he was checking to see if I was still breathing. There were too many years when it was a very real fear that I would permanently stop breathing in my sleep.
Anyway it is way past bed time.
I wait until I am good and tired before I crawl into bed when dearest one is away.
Otherwise I'll hear every darn thing out there.
Like mice (had one run across my pillow once),
and boogey men (those comic book characters that were escapees from jail? I used to think they would come out from under my bed as a child and grab my ankle),
and wildlife (moose, deer and elk) outside my window.
Maybe if I snore loud enough all the things
that go bump in the night will be scared of me.
At any rate I'm not sharing my covers.