Thursday, August 21, 2008

Curling Up

All manner of my family is traveling today.
Making their way slowly northward.
I've moved houses 3 times since my parents or sisters
were here to visit last time.
It doesn't seem real that they'll be in my home.
But they will be.

My mom said my oldest brother is going to stop and see me
sometime in the next few weeks as well.
He's been in my home once.
His wife, never.

Every family has things that seem normal to them
but not to others.
Some of it is, in the end, very normal.
And some of it is bizarre.

I feel the edges of perfectionism gnawing at me today.
Wanting to feel control over something.
I am not my home.
I am not my yard.
I am not my body.
I am not my kids.
There's a lot of self talk going on within me today.
And nigglings of self doubt that
I've never really changed at all.

It's cold and rainy today.
Good weather to do some baking,
some self nurturing.
Weather that lends itself to relaxing
with a cup of tea.

I have a list on my fridge
that my counselor and I came up with
of positive self soothing behaviours.
With the rainy weather
and sorrow over losing my friend
I look at the list and choose curling up in a blanket and
rocking back and forth.

I can only change me.
Lord have mercy.


Anonymous said...

Amen, sister! That seems to be my theme song as well.

My niece worked herself into a tizzy a few weeks ago, painting walls and cleaning before hosting a family barbecue at her place in July. She's not well and spent her precious energy on those kinda preparations. We spent all of 10 minutes in the actual house; the rest of the time we were outside. I told her that, for future reference, she needn't worry about her walls as that is not why we made the trip. And those that did, well, tough noogies!


Chris said...

I totally get it.

My dad and his wife flew into town last night. They're staying with my baby brother (13 years my junior) and his wife and three beautiful kids in the home they own. They won't be stepping foot in my place. I'll see them bu not here. I design closets for a living. I help get people organized. I can only assume that I pile laundry on the single (borrowed) chair in my house as an excuse to keep people out -to keep from having to address another core issue. I think I may be allowing myself to get fat for the same reason.

Sometimes slowly.

annie said...

Hang in there, Hope. You have learned to recognize the problem and to take steps to comfort yourself. That is progress!

Jim said...

Let me try this again. The first time seems not to have taken....

Catching up here, my return to a school schedule leaving me fatigued and cramped for time in my blogging adventures.
So sorry to read of your friend's passing. Sorry to read of how we, as believers, tend to operate out of our heads rather than the grace given unto us in our "bellies". It is always a good visit here, though, finding a connection with Him in your words that feeds my heart. Peace........