Saturday, August 30, 2008

Blessing Enough

I feel in a bit of a funk this morning.
That means it's time for a gratitude list.

Biggest thing I'm grateful for this morning is that I can breathe.
I'm not short of breath.
I have an adequate spoon supply to get me through my commitments today.
I slept through the night last night.

For five years breathing was often an effort.
I was short of breath almost any time I moved a muscle.
Some days I could talk or breathe
but not both at the same time.
My spoon supply dictated my life.
And insomnia's been my companion
for most of the last 2 weeks since my friend passed away.

I had the greatest chat with my sponsor last night.
We laughed.
A lot.
We always do.
I can cry with her as well.
And swear up a storm when I'm really upset.
She'll listen no matter what state I find myself in
and share her experience, strength and hope with me.
It feels good to be loved for who I am, warts and all.

I have food in my fridge.
Money in my pocket.
Love in my heart.

It hasn't always been that way.
I have a friend who reminds me every so often
of the time when she opened my fridge and all that was in it
was a jar of pickle juice and a few wrinkly potatoes.
Those were dark times.
I remember going to the food bank
and most of all wanting some fruit and vegetables
for my then small children.
Only daughter was 8, oldest son was 6 and
youngest son was 4.
There was no money to buy food.

We've been through that once more
about 10 years further down the road.
Produce was still the food item I missed the most.
It was during this dark time in our journey that
a family member was killed.
I don't even know if I can call this a dark time.
It felt like the darkest time.
It was not a fun time.
I would not raise my hand and volunteer to go through it again.
But it sunk my faith into the depths of my being.
I know that I will be okay no matter what.
Embracing that belief only came in the midst of the worst of times.
A time when I was given the grace to know that God
still had my back.

I don't pay much attention nowadays
when people talk about God blessing them.
Or Satan thwarting their plans.
If I would have had my way in the worst of times
I would have waved my wand and made all the painful parts go away.
I would have orchestrated it so that life was all blessing.
Even to those who believe in the prosperity gospel bullshit.
I don't equate God's blessing with circumstances.
I'm breathing.
That's blessing enough.

I pray daily for God's will to be done in my life,
acknowledging that I have no idea what God's will looks like.
I just know whatever unfolds
Jesus hunkers down beside me
and waits it out with me.
And that sometimes what looks like the worst possible scenario
may contain something that will change me forever
for the better.
I no longer believe God orchestrates stuff like that
as if he has some lesson to teach me.
I lost that belief when I no longer needed to go around living my life
with a "I'll show them" attitude.
Oh yes, I may swear up a storm, throw something at the wall,
scream and holler my way through circumstances I. don't.like.one.bit.
I haven't lost my humanity.
But I don't know what's best for me.
And I trust in a God who does.

I'm not in a funk anymore.
Typing all this and remembering how it's been at times
has given me a much needed change in perspective.
Here's to a day
where breathing
is enough.

4 comments:

Owen said...

where breathing is enough. amen.

Hector said...

Wow! What a post. Just what I needed today. I was a bit down yesterday because I have some pains I have not been able to cure for almost a month. The medicine is not doing the trick. I do know it's just a matter of when and the pains nwill go away. I'm at my mother in law's this weekend because she had major surgery. I had not heard about spoons, but I have so many! I'll be thinkjing about this today. God bless!

Jim said...

I've long equated God's "will" with that part of Jesus who "hunkers down beside me and waits it out with me". In that sense, breathe on, my friend, and breathe in His presence to be in the next step...

beth said...

Good for me to read today. thanks.