I am close to a full blown self loathing melt down.
I keep typing and deleting the whole shebang here.
What would I say if I was in a meeting right now?
I need help.
I know the journey is worth it.
It just doesn't feel that way today.
I know my feelings are not a permanent sentence.
But dang, I wish they'd pass.
Thank God I have a place
where I can come and share.
Where people will love me
in the moment
no matter what the moment looks like.
That a risk taken
may be a gift in disguise.
I'd really like to believe that.
But I have to take the risk first.
Last night I came to some conclusions
about what the next right thing is for me to do.
I remembered a conversation with a friend
from 15 years ago.
She told me I'd been talking about the same thing
for as long as she'd known me.
I remembered being startled at
how much time had passed.
To find I was still talking
and not taking action.
When I spoke of my angst last week
with Fr. Charlie he simply reminded me
that until the answers came to keep
putting one foot in front of the other on the path.
I gritted my teeth slightly at his suggestion.
I look forward to the day when
I accept life on life's terms
more easily than
"let's have ourselves a little crisis, shall we?"