Thursday, July 26, 2007

Fragile Surrender

When I started writing this blog I had no intent on turning it into a recovery blog. Could be that because back then I was still in denial about being a sex addict and a compulsive overeater. The sobriety I had when it came to alcohol seemed to be a non issue. How wrong I was on all counts. How far I've come. Pure gift and grace.

I'm turning a corner in my recovery and I feel fragile. Fragile in new behaviour and thinking. Feeling more alone, not less. It's taking every bit of energy I have to do those things on a daily basis that support my recovery. I often feel more selfish, not less for doing them. There are moments when it would be easier to relapse. I read last night a quote [from Patrick Carnes book on recovery from sexual addiction called Don't Call It Love] that resonated with me:
"Preserving a hard-won sense of self is not an easy task. A coaddict name Juilee spoke of the difficulties of "having to stay focused on recovery when every fiber in my body wanted to say, 'Okay, you win! I'll stop my meetings. I'll go back to who I was. I'll be me again. I'll be who you want me to be: a people pleasing codependent.'"

I'm in the home stretch now as I prepare to go to rehab August 4th. The first thing on the list of things I'm supposed to bring is a bathing suit. Are they nuts? This 240 pound woman is not bringing a bathing suit. It's enough to go into a situation where I will be bearing my heart, never mind my body. Gah.

I can't receive phone calls when I'm there, neither will I have any access to computers. I need support throughout those weeks from people who have journeyed with me to this point. Some of you out there are such people. I'm asking if you could drop me a note of encouragement to my email sometime between the 4th and 24th of August. I'll get dearest one to bring them to me if he can come visit. My counselor told me last week that sometimes the homework is to ask your spouse to come visit to hash through issues. Sometimes they recommend that no family come visit. I'll have to wait and see what they think for my own situation. If you'd like a snail mail address instead just email me and I'll send it to you. Thank you in advance.

Today is 8+ months of abstinence from sexual addiction, and 6 weeks of no binge eating. My primary addiction is alcohol and today is 19 years and nearly 4 months of sobriety. I cannot do this on my own strength.
Father, I abandon myself in to your hands,
do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you.
I am ready for all, I accept all.
Only let your will be done in me
as in all your creatures;
I ask no more than this.
Into your hands I commend my soul.
I offer it to you with all the love of my heart,
for I love you, Lord,
and so need to give myself,
to surrender myself into your hands,
without reserve, and with boundless confidence,
for you are my Father.

~the Abandonment Prayer of Charles de Foucauld


Anonymous said...

In my mind, I keep hearing "He's Got The Whole World in His Hands" sung very slowly. A tired old spiritual to be sure but nonetheless true.

Hope, I'll get in touch with you about e-mail/snail-mail. I wonder how many times they say "Fear not" in the Bible? I guess we all need to hear it pretty often, eh?


daisymarie said...

I would love to send you notes...will you email me your snail mail addy?

Tess said...

I'll be thinking of you over the next few weeks.
The comment you quote about "being me again" is very true. It can feel as if moving into a "healthier" way of living (whatever that means for the individual) is alien in many ways.

Jennifer F. said...

What a touching, honest post. You will be in my prayers!

troll said...

you will be in my daily prayers through this time ... often many times in a day .... when my dear one was in rehab, it was some of her darkest days, but she did not choose to step into it .... but even choosing does not stop the fear .... i honour your courage, and bless you ....


Kathy said...

I'll pray for you every day. Someone once told me that addictions are the world's best liars. They'll say whatever it takes to suck you back in to them. With God's help, may you be strong enough to not listen to their lies.