This morning on bloglines I read Deb's post in which she quotes the promises. Aha. The very thing that's been occupying my brain for the past three or four days. For there's this sentence within them that I almost always stumble over.
"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."
Recently I heard someone in recovery say she had no regrets.
For the briefest moment it felt like I lived in that reality too and then the clouds closed over again and I was left for the umpteenth time wondering how that could ever be possible.
In mulling this over the other day I came up with a few ideas.
I saw my past as a swirl of colour.
Drawing on my Grade One thick fit-in-my-fist crayons knowledge I remembered that mixing blue and red created a new colour, purple. And how I often want to only recognize the new colours in my life as if the red and blue never even existed.
I wondered if liking who I am today has to precede having no regrets.
Or is it the other way around?
Does the degree of regret equal the degree of self loathing?
Does having no regrets mean I regret the experience without letting the experience define me?
Is having no regrets like embracing the blues and reds that made the purple of today possible? I not only embrace the new colour but the ones that came together to create it?
Does having no regrets take anything away from the people who lived on the other side of the regret?
Does making amends erase regrets?
Am I missing something by trying to figure this out?
These days I think I'm closer to embracing that who I am today is a direct result of the whole of my life experience to this point.
And I am closer to not only embracing but embracing with warmth the person I am today.
I've recognized that forgiving myself is necessary and a good step.
I could list specifics here of the things I do regret but somehow I don't think that's the point.
I welcome any thoughts you may have on this.