Being away from this blog was very good for me. There were many times when I went to log off the computer and at the last minute remembered I had a blog that I could check. That's a tiny miracle in itself! For most of the time I did not miss blogging. Not having this as an outlet forced me to do more soul searching than I would have otherwise. I had to sit with my situation and my thoughts and wrestle with them. Sometimes it is easy for me to think I've dealt with something because I've written about it on here. As if words take care of everything. I began to journal again. I have no idea how far I've come, if any, in my thirst for feedback but I did learn I could survive without it.
If you remember Fr. Charlie challenging me to get comfortable looking at my body in a mirror just know that my latest revelation is that my body resembles a mini sumo wrestler. Somehow that is fitting considering how much wrestling has gone on within me lately.
Lent was a very fruitful journey for me. Pain filled and hopeful. Times of desperation and times of rest. Much, much prayer. There were two days when the local power company turned the power off for 4 hour stretches at a time to do service work on the lines. Weather permitting they said. I woke up to -21C only to find that lovely temperature qualified as weather permitting. Being alone in a house with no noise was very restful. No fridge humming. No furnace blasting. No TV and no radio distractions. It was good, even when it was cold.
We had lots of snow and the winter snowfall total is over the seven foot mark. No wonder then, that there are still several feet of snow on the lawn. Youngest son spent a few days last week riding the quad on top of the snow crust. Spring will come. We saw a few brave pussy willows today but there were too many feet of snow to wade through to reach them so we had to be content to view them from afar.
I celebrated 19 years of sobriety during Lent and 20 weeks of abstinence from sexual addiction. I came so close to losing that abstinence that I took myself off to Reconciliation and have felt swathed in a cloak of grace about it ever since.
Holy Week was the most stress filled, painful path I've experienced in a long time. I have much to share but need to clear some of it with a family member before I share the journey with you. I need to get it down on "paper" for our own family's benefit. To remind us in the tough times that there can be no resurrection without a willingness to carry our crosses and die to self.
I found this quote that captures part of the reason why I'm choosing to continue to post here:
"Miracles may show me the saint, they do not show me how he became a saint: and that is what I want to see. It is not the completed process that intrigues me: it is the process itself: for you see, my work is not to be a saint. Tell me what was churning in his soul as he battled his way up from selfishness and the allurements of sin to the great heart of God."~M. Raymond, O.C.S.O. in Seeking God by Esther de Waal
I trust you want to know what churns in another's soul just as much as I do.