Things Break by Tobin Marsh
This side of the resurrection
In the brokenness, defeat and sorrow
Is where lie all the deep lessons of my life.
Nothing wants to be broken,
And yet everything must be broken.
To never break is to lie stagnant and eventually die.
I break now and again.
Picking up the pieces can be an act
Of profound faith.
The following is an excerpt I wrote to only daughter:
"Saturday afternoon (Easter Vigil) I was sleeping the sleep of the dead when [youngest son] came home from his girlfriend's. He went to your dad and asked him directly (get your kleenex) if I had something against him. This opened the way for your dad to confess to [youngest son] how wrong he had been to make him his confidante as a kid and the burden he had carried because of it. He also shared my feelings with him and how I had held it against him instead of against your dad that he had this place that was not his to have. [Only daughter], the weight of the world fell off your brother's shoulders when he realized that he was okay as a person and there was nothing wrong with him. That my feelings of hostility - that he has rightly felt all his life - had nothing to do with him per see....that he wasn't defective. Your dad told [youngest son] how the anger and hostility on both our parts should have been directed towards him instead of at each other. It was a good healing talk.
I was asleep when they were talking and [youngest son] came into the bedroom and woke me up. We had a gut honest talk and to have to admit to him my feelings of hostility was very humbling. It is as if everything is set in the right order finally and we can begin to heal and have the relationship that could have been possible from the beginning. When he left the room I turned over and just cried. So humbled that God would answer our prayer so quickly and felt so unworthy when I know there are parents who pray for years and nothing changes. I am teary all over again just typing that.
And so there you go. We had our own resurrection morning in this house. I am so grateful that this got brought to the light when [youngest son] is only 19. Keep it in your heart so that you have courage to face this kind of stuff sooner rather than later in your own life.
It doesn't mean [youngest son] doesn't still have a hard road ahead of him to heal but the journey has begun with a big road block removed. Without your dad admitting his sin in response to me admitting mine [youngest son] and I could have tried and tried for years to get to a better place and nothing deep would have been accomplished. Your dad being a big enough person to admit his place in it was key. He owned what was his to own and the truth of that has set something free. I do know that I feel secure in my place with him for the first time. No longer competing with [youngest son]for his heart. I hope that makes sense. It most likely does as you are an intuitive person."
There is nothing more I can add to this part of my journey. I feel like I wrote this series of posts from a detached place....I don't think there are words for how painful the journey was through this and I have no wish to go back and relive it. I'm just glad to be on this side of it.