"I told dearest one that I had to be okay with being where I am in this, without forcing a change that would end up only skin deep. This is something God will work out in me as I'm open to his scalpel. And as much as I hate pain, there can only be beauty in seeing my and youngest son's relationship heal and become what it's potential has always been."So I went to Good Friday service and the refrain "For the sake of your son, have mercy Lord." cut to the quick. It echoed in my head the rest of the day. That evening our little church community came together to pray the Stations of the Cross. The responses to the Stations were painful and I made my way through them with tears running down my face. Dearest one was silent beside me for most of it and I stood there thinking, "Oh, he's thinking this is all rote prayer and a bunch of hooey. That's why he isn't saying anything." How wrong I was. Later I shared with him my thoughts and he told me that praying the Stations of the Cross touches something so deep within himself that he is unable to speak.
Afterwards the Sacrament of Reconciliation was available for any who wanted it. Dearest one and I both went. Neither of us knowing the other was going to confess the brokeness of our relationship with youngest son. Throwing ourselves at the foot of the cross, asking God to do what we could not.
"So I went to Reconciliation last night with all this on my mind. Confessing my lack and asking for the grace to overcome. His mercy is my only hope. My only safe place of refuge."And I ended my journal entry with these words from my big book:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment....unless I accept life on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes." ~ p. 449 Alcoholics Anonymous