Before I get to do that though I have to finish up the cleaning I started this morning. Those darn mice have had a heyday in my pantry and in the midst of my cleaning up after the little buggers I found outdated soup cans and bags of rice with little holes chewed in them. So owing to the industrious nature of mice I'm finding a little of my own. This is the cleanest my pantry's been in several years. I'd say thank you to the mice but that would be taking things a little far, don't you think?
And why stop at the pantry? I cleaned off the front of my fridge, glanced at the top of of it and cleaned that off too. I've written before about my habit of collecting bits of paper with notes written on them. Who would have thought the top of the fridge could yield such bits of wisdom as this one:
"With some people, however, the best possible choice they are capable of making is, in fact, the worst possible choice they could make."I don't know whose blog that comes from (these days I always write the blog on the back of the piece of paper) but it sounds like it could come from either this guy or that one.
I like that quote because it helps me forgive myself for my most regrettable decisions. When you know better, you do better. Today I can better accept that it doesn't happen any other way. I have a hunch some of my regrettable decisions were influenced by the list below which was on the front of my fridge.
"The following are some of the characteristics, agreed upon by one Al anon/Acoa group, that result in problems in our lives.
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures;
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process;
3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism;
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs;
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relations;
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our faults, etc.
7. We get guilty feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to 'love' people we can 'pity' and 'rescue'.
10. We have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much;(DENIAL)
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem;
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink;
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors."
It's good to look at that list today and find some of those numbers not nearly as front and center in my life as they have been. Below is number 15 which I made up myself.
15. I found I was uncomfortable engaging in play as an adult because my play enviroment was too unpredictable as a child. I learned as a child that adults could start screaming at me, beating me or dishing out other painful consequences if I wasn't on guard to stop playing and become a mini adult before they walked in the room.
This month I have spontaneously played with bubbles, drawn with my Spirograph, had a snowball fight, and enjoyed a tractor ride. This afternoon I'm building myself a snowman and making a snow angel.
Let's see if the mice chew holes in those babies.