Friday, March 03, 2006

Praying Lent

I have been using the Praying Lent material here. One prayer from that site which spoke to me was this one:

Let everything I do this day and in this season of Lent
come from you, be inspired by you.

I long to be closer to you.
Help me to remember that nothing is important in my life
unless it glorifies you in some way.

It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day of my life and keep saying,
"Tomorrow, I will spend more time in prayer,"
but now my longing meets your love and I want to do it now.
Help me to rely on you for help.

The prayer asks you that I reach perfection.
Please, Lord, remind me that "perfection"
isn't the crazy, "successful" way I try to live my life,
but a perfection of my most authentic, real self.
My "perfection" might be holding my many flaws in my open hands,
asking you to help me accept them.

Heal me, Lord, and help me to find you in the darkness of my life.
Let me reach out in this darkness and feel your hand and love there to guide me."

I don't remember ever feeling so blah while continuing on in obedience with habits of discipline. I am thankful for this season of Lent, with its inherit disciplines, that keep me putting one foot in front of another when I would rather not. Being disciplined doesn't comes easy. Usually feeling blah and giving into all kinds of hedonism go hand in hand for me. I usually figure - "What's the use? I'll get back on track when the feelings come back." Today I simply recognize the value in praying the prayers and keeping the lines of communication open when my spirit feels absolutely nothing. The one thing I do know is that this lack of feeling, this frozen space inside, won't last forever. I don't struggle with God being okay with me, I struggle with me being okay with me. And so I lift it all to God and despite feeling no guidance whatsoever.

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