Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Sitting On The Pity Pot

So I come home after being away for 36 hours and find 700+ posts on my bloglines of 114 blogs. Way too much truth to absorb. Of course I worry I will miss something so I slog my way through all 700 posts. If you wonder why I don't comment often on your blogs it's because I run out of words early on as I make my way through the list. But here is a post that speaks to me:

"Think about what you fear--

How much of your fear is centered on either not getting what you want or not losing what you have?"
~Rick @ A New Life Emerging

And because my head is full of fear stuff I figured I'd just type it all out here and get it out of my head and free up some room. Otherwise I won't sleep tonight.

It's easy for me to be grabby. It is a struggle for me to willingly open my hands and let go. Between this post and the one by A that I linked to the other day I am seeing that I need to start going back to meetings. Of course I worry that that will make me so self absorbed but then I just have to look over my posts and I think it would be hard to top them in that category. Too hard on myself you say? That is just my reality tonight. Tomorrow I may have perspective again but tonight I have none. Warning - pity party ahead.

What do I fear that I won't get and what do I worry that I will lose?

~ My health - am waiting for some diagnostic tests to come back and they feel like too much right now on top of the chronic illness I already deal with.
~ Relationship with my youngest son....can't seem to get past being pissed off at him for his choices. Someone told me it was important to detach without distancing myself. Detaching with distancing is what I am doing. No amount of anything seems to be changing that for me.
~ That I will carry around this extra 70 pounds the rest of my life and let it define me.
~ That I will go from one substitute to another to numb unhealed areas in my life.
~ Am very close to making myself a list of rules instead of trusting myself to the process we call life. I hate it. I know I feel fragile when I start looking for rules to make me feel more in control and safe.
~ I watched the family dynamics at my uncle's funeral. I don't know the whole story or even part of it. Broken people in a broken world. For a man who shared what he had and loved how they said he did there was no love lost between his kids. How does that happen?
~That I will keep writing posts like this on the tail of better days like the 12th and keep thinking there must be something wrong with me to have such a wide variety of emotions in my posts in one week. I often feel like I need to hide until I am in a better frame of mind.

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