Who I am as a person is what matters in the end. At least that is the conclusion I have come to at this point. And for the most part I am comfortable with who I am. My periods of self loathing are less frequent. I can be honest about either side of me - the shadow or the light without overt condemnation or angst. Pride still sits there and waves its wand when I don't give God credit for the light but even at that, I can live with myself. I'm not always willing to lift the dark up to the light and be changed. I can get comfortable with my pissyness. It all just means I am human. It doesn't mean I don't ask God to change me. But it also means there are times when I don't ask God to change me.
I have over 100 blogs bookmarked on my desktop. That can be a dangerous thing when you don't want to change something and then find it staring you in the face in an innocent blog post. Today I was reading one of those kind of posts and it kind of got me in the gut. It showed me part of who I am. You're going to have to read the link to get the rest of this post. Here is my comment on it:
This hits me in a raw place. There were lots of people in the church I used to go to that I would never consider inviting over for a meal because I just didn’t want to have to put up with them in my own home. I have thought lots about what an intimate encounter it really is having someone share a meal. If I was indiscriminate about who I had in my home for a meal it would force me to treat them as equals or at least stop kidding myself about how lacking I am in this area and how unwilling I am to change.
I used to reason that my diningroom was too small to have people over. That is what I told myself when I thought about those people I didn't want to have over for a meal. The ones I felt convicted to invite over but didn't want to bother with. The rest of the time we made do just fine. And then I told myself it took too many spoons to have certain company but I seemed to manage when I wanted to. I just want like minded company. I like good conversations. I don't want uncomfortable ones around my dinner table unless I am the one talking. I don't mind making others uncomfortable but I don't want it the other way around in my house.
I have thought about what it means to me to invite someone over for a meal. It means I acknowledge them as my equal - that I believe we really are equal in God's eyes. I can talk about grace and love with the best of them. But this is one area where I don't walk the talk. And it's not because I don't invite them over, it's because of my heart attitude about it. I could invite them over and soothe my conscious but it wouldn't necessarily mean I had any change of heart.
When I read the post about Jesus and meals today I thought, "Oh shit - this is begging to be held up to the light."