Monday, June 20, 2005

Hard As Nails

I went shopping today. For myself. That may not be a big deal to anyone else but it was for me. There's been a pattern in my life lately of thinking ugly, really ugly thoughts, towards others because I perceived that none of my material, personal needs were being met. Not that there was anyone standing over me threatening me harm if I so much as bought myself a pair of socks, but I was increasingly becoming pissed at any spending of money that highlighted to me that my needs were smack dab at the bottom of the list. Put there by me. Actually I put my needs on an invisible list that no one could see. And then I held it against the world that is my home for not seeing it. To top it all off, I tried to spiritualize it all away.
My needs should come last. That is what a good mother does. She never thinks of her own needs. Heck, she doesn't even have needs.
Thoughts like that which are all malarky. I don't know what happens to you when you try to spiritualize your (seemingly) lack of choices. When you try to pretend how you feel isn't how you feel. When you pretend that how you feel is someone else's problem to fix. I end up acting like the devil incarnate. It ain't pretty. It's a false brand of martyrdom.

What prompted me to do something about it finally is that I was increasingly hearing my mom's voice channelling through my thoughts. I think of how she often doesn't buy what she really wants. How she willingly decides what she really wants isn't worth it. That she isn't worth it. Sometimes I don't think she even hears herself. When I told her on my birthday that gifts were really important to me (they are my primary love language). She told me that gifts weren't important to her. The next sentence out of her mouth was how she nearly cried when my brother and his wife bought her something for Mother's Day.

Hmmm. I just don't want to get that disconnected from myself. I don't want to continue to be bugged when I am willingly lying to myself and my loved ones, pretending my needs are not only unecessary but nonexistent. The last time my husband asked me (when we were shopping) if I needed anything, I said," no." Boy and I wonder where my anger comes from that erupts like a volcano over the littlest things? My relationship with my husband had grown to the point where he won't rescue me from myself anymore. If I told him about this 'denying having needs'habit he would look me square in the eye and tell me, "Do something about it." (And I would be glad on one hand that he wouldn't rescue me and upset on the other that he wouldn't reassure me that I was worth it. But he knows that I need to validate myself and no amount of validation from him will make me believe in me.)

So today I spent money. On me. Inlcuding two pairs of shoes at one time....I normally only have two pairs of shoes at any one time total.(How's that for martyrdom? Ugh.) My real splurge was nail polish for my toes. I stood in front of all those colours to choose from and told myself to take a risk. That clinched it. Red nail polish it had to be. It's that "Hard As Nails" stuff. Every time I wear it I will remember that my spirit is in danger of getting hard as nails when I stuff my feelings, ignore my needs, choose false piety, all in the name of God.

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