Funky Head Space

I am in a funky head space. It's really hard to embrace it. "I'd like another head please," I want to say to the cosmic waiter. But there is this knowing inside me that tells me to embrace it.

There have been several themes vying for space in my thoughts these past few months. One is that I feel like I am having mental bearing down pains....trying to give birth to something from the depths of me. Another is that I am fighting a battle as to whether I will continue on in trying to round up the world according to my plan or accept it as it is.

Yesterday during Mass I had this picture come into my head of trying to make my way through a giant spider web. I want to see clearly. I can't do it on my own. Through some reading I have been doing I've realized I live entirely in my head - separate from my body. Coming to that realization helps me understand the urge to start doing stretching exercises again...start reconnecting with my body instead of viewing my body as a traitor. I'm tuning into the language I use about my body too. The last few years I have felt as if my body has betrayed me. I seesaw from being victim to fighter and back again. The overwhelming thought lately is to fight to live. Fully live.

I don't know what living fully looks like. I have a feeling the cosmic waiter does.