Another Go

 A friend sent this to me today and it describes my current journey so well.  I’ve been struggling to mentally stay afloat for many months. It is a daily struggle to do the barest of daily tasks. I wake in the morning and ask myself what would an adult do? Then I get up and wash my face and brush my teeth. Somehow doing those two tasks feels like a win.  I’m getting better at having a shower more frequently but that continues to be a struggle that’s largely dictated by whether or not I need to go out of the house on any given day. The same goes for getting dressed. 

When I whine to my therapist how pathetic I’ve gotten she reminds me of all the huge hurdles I’ve faced in the past 17 months.  It’s been non stop since my foot injury really, including 10K kms for medical trips in the past 6 months.

Sometimes I look back at what I used to be able to do and miss the energy required to get things done. I don’t miss the pressure I put on myself to clean the house weekly from top to bottom. These days Dear One takes care of the kitchen and our house cleaner comes biweekly to wash floors, vacuum and clean bathrooms. This past long weekend I gave myself one little job to do. An accumulation of clothes and stuff was in a large mound on the floor by my side of the bed.  I wanted it all sorted and put away.  It took me two tries to get it done.  I found a Christmas tablecloth and table runner in the pile so that tells you how long the mound had been there. 

I’m determined to keep doing what I can to not fall into a pit of despair. I will keep rising for another go. 

~ Hope

Still Healing

 Yup. In a week’s time I will be closer to know if I need more surgery on my foot. I did have a CT scan a few weeks ago that showed I’d had 4 - 5 fractures in my foot when I injured it last June.  Weirdly that validated all the pain I felt and am still feeling. And left me wondering why it took so long to get that figured out. 

I’ve had many medical appointments in the last month. In week’s time it will add up to 4500 kms worth of travel. Thankfully it’s all benign stuff. Nothing that sets off alarm bells. The CT which could do so is a month away still. I’m pretty sure by now that I’m not having a recurrence of cancer but I’ll be glad when the CT confirms it. 

Life in general is pretty darn good right now. That probably sounds weird to read after my first two paragraphs. In that place underneath the minutiae of life is a peaceful spirit. Thanks be to God.

Hope

Fractured and Healing

Photo credit: Kate Bowler

I used to make very long and detailed lists of resolutions. If I remember correctly there’s a journal entry amongst my stash of journals, where I listed 40 things to improve on, way back when my self loathing ran the show. I stopped reading self help books several years ago for my sanity’s sake. There is no book that will heal my self loathing. Especially not in 7 easy steps.

Between falling in June which required emergency surgery on my foot, the prolonged healing that entailed, then getting Covid just as I was coping better, and having a fractured relationship with one of my adult kids, it’s been a stellar year for reasons I wish were not reality.

It took several months to get back to speed after having Covid. An MRI of my foot just before Christmas, to check on healing, shows bones misaligned and so most likely more surgery. And soon it will be one year since I’ve had a phone call with my adult kid.

I have a love/hate relationship with the reality that this past year’s happenings have led to much growth, at the price of so many tears, therapy sessions and the ability to look more clearly at myself and find a bit more grace.

I doubt that I’d want to know in advance what this year holds for me. All I can do is keep showing up as I am. New and Improved not required.

~ Hope