Be Here

Yesterday’s session with my therapist was a combination of truths being revealed and copious amounts of tears. Plus some swearing. 

Underneath it all was grief. Grief about what is and what was. Facing it.  Feeling it. It seemed easier when I was ignoring it. 

Next week, God willing, I’ll be celebrating 35 years of sobriety. The growing and changing never stops. Being here in this moment? Boy, that is not always fun. 

I’m grateful to be here to witness it, though. Being alive never gets old. Just hard some days.

~ Hope

One Life

Dearest One is a dreamer. It was the safe place he went when life got too much as a kid and is a place he continues to go. I’ve long been a realist, life too unpredictable and harsh in my beginnings. It makes for interesting conversations between us.  I’ve learned to not rain on his parade just because I can. He’s learned to face reality a bit more than he’d sometimes like. I think dreamers have more fun in life. I wish I was one sometimes.

At about year 35, following a night time chat about his dreams, shortly after I’d prayed to let go of the mess that our marriage was (he’d found an apartment but hadn’t moved out); a conversation where I kept checking in if I needed to say something as he talked (dreams usually cost $) I realized I’d been unnecessarily critical of Dearest One our entire marriage. It’s embarrassing to admit that until that moment I didn’t know that I’d never apologized to someone for the pain I’d caused them, for their sake. It had always been for mine. To make me feel better. When I saw the pain in his face the next afternoon, as I apologized for the hurt I had caused by my criticism, well, for the first time I felt his pain.

In fairy tales, and dreams, this is where people live happily ever after.  We did have a honeymoon type period of time afterward. It was a beautiful time of peace and settledness. And then the hard work began. 

Time since then hasn’t always been easy. It’s included a 24 hour period when he abruptly left. We both thought it was for good.  I realized in those 24 hours that I did indeed have dreams. To see them dashed was so devastating that I still can’t talk about it much. I’m not sure what I was reduced to when I begged him not to leave but it was demoralizing in every way. 

These days we’re continuing to move forward towards our dream of a future together in this one life we have. Sometimes it’s felt like wading through sludge, other times murky water and occasionally clear paths where we almost danced down the road. 

~ Hope