Failings

Yesterday I was that old lady hunched over the steering wheel as I drove 8 hours home from my daughter’s place. I’m sure I looked a sight with my oxygen cannula stuck up my nostrils and all.  My oxygen cannula that my 5 year old granddaughter had told me earlier that she’d stuck up her nose to see what it felt like. 

The six lane highway was sheer ice for the first hour and more of my trip home. Dearest One talked me through it as I sobbed my head off due to my fear and anxiety. 

My visit was the best of times and the worst of times. It ended with my daughter not speaking to me; no hugs goodbye from my granddaughters. 

I could spin the whys of that any which way to suit me. Without the support and reassurance from my therapist these past few days, I would feel totally crazy in the head.  But I’m not. Healing continues, but it sure is not for the feint of heart.

~ Hope 

Rest and Work

 This is not a question to ask oneself when you’ve been up since 5:30 with two energetic grandchildren. How to get rested to do my most meaningful work? Which is, these days, my grandchildren. We were faced with cat puke on the table and dog poop in the living room first thing. Lord help me.  

~ Hope

Moments

My wish for you, today. 

Last night I was helping my granddaughters put together a colourful craft cart. They were so full of excitement I felt like bursting into tears. 

~ Hope

What Is

Opportunities abound to heal while I visit my daughter and her daughters. 

All I can say tonight is that every ounce of fight I’ve had within me, all the grace shone my way, and every one step in front of the other, no matter how much I’ve gone backwards - I’m full of gratitude tonight for what is.

~ Hope

This Chance

 It’s been a long day. Grandchildren awake way before dawn. Mornings are a struggle for me. I managed to get the girls delivered to school on time before I came back to their house to start my work day.

Before I started work, I read this post. It was just what I needed to gain perspective. To be reminded that this chance to love is a gift. 

Oldest granddaughter came home from school and shared about her day. Out of that conversation we came up with a plan to have a game night this weekend. 

Anyway, my bed is calling and morning comes early. 

~ Hope

Your Humanity Is Good

 That page of words over there could possibly sum up what I’ve learned in life. Or what I’m trying to, at least.

It’s such a far cry from the days when I would’ve said, ‘fuck that shit.’ I was striving for perfection or nothing at all.  And lest I think I’m all that and then some……

Today I was relaxing on the couch with my hand trailing off the side of it, absentmindedly petting the dog. Until I thought, “that doesn’t feel right.” I leaned over to see I was scratching the dog’s butt. 

~ Hope

Be Proud

 This is something my therapist reminds me of often.  I don’t know if we grow any other way. I don’t seem to. 

I was born stubborn. Sometimes it serves a good purpose. 

~ Hope 

Then

I

 I’ve been travelling for a few days to get to one of my kid’s houses.  My first time travelling with portable oxygen and doing so solo as well.  All is well. I saved the quote in the photo because it immediately made me think of my mother. There were worlds I inhabited that she wasn’t privy to.  One of those was my marriage. She was not good at listening and after a few times of shitty, judgemental advice I stopped trying. Things were very rocky in my marriage the last few years she was alive. She mentioned changes she’d seen in Dearest One and I knew she’d given me an opening to share and I deliberately chose not to. It felt unsafe. 

So here I am for an extended stay with one of my kids. One who I’ve had a rocky relationship with for chunks of time over the years, including non contact. These days it is calm. There is trust. Hard won on both sides. It’s hard to stop thinking you know your kids because you knew them then. My kids are mid to late thirties now. Then is a long time ago now. 

~Hope 

Kindness

Sparkly eyed grandchild is having a sleepover tonight.  We’ve watched the Home Alone movies many times together. Tonight we did so again. At one point in the movie tonight something kind happens. They looked at me and said, “Kindness and generosity are my hobbies.” I told them those were virtues and they gave me a very sparkly eyed look. May that be so, child.

My mother had a snarky tone that she used to let my father know how irritated she was with him. I used that same snarky tone with Dearest One for years. Less and less as the years have gone by. I was oblivious to my use of it for much of our marriage. One day I not only saw it but, for the first time in my life, I gave a sincere apology for how my actions had hurt another human being. Before this I had apologized to make myself feel better. Not that I was aware of that before that moment, either.

This is where my therapist would remind me that self compassion will bring about more change within myself than harshness ever will. She knows how apt I am to be unkind towards myself when I peel another layer off the onion called growth and healing. Learning how to live out the virtue of kindness continues. Including towards myself.

~ Hope

 

The Kicker

That’s the kicker isn’t it? Not running away when faced with a truth. I’ve spent serious time in my life believing I had a corner on the truth. And less time dismantling that belief. The important thing is that I woke up enough to see what I was going to lose if I didn’t change. I would’ve lost my most important relationships and a crappy relationship with myself. 

~ Hope
 

Walking

 I saved this as a photo to send to my therapist. I’m not sure I can go for even a calm eagle walk.  I haven’t tested my endurance too far since I’ve been on supplemental oxygen. 

People around me are being diagnosed with cancer. I think more about my mortality than I care to admit. I feel good about how hard I’ve worked in therapy to heal so that generations behind me have a better chance at healthy relationships without waiting 40 years for them to come to fruition.

For now I’ll continue walking on my journey.  Who knows how far I’ll get.

~ Hope

Seeing

 

Increasing awareness. Actually seeing. So valuable. So difficult.  One of the questions I ask myself and sometimes, others, is “What am I pretending not to see?” I have talked myself into a corner when I write and suddenly see something within myself that I sure didn’t set out to see.  The other place it happens is in my therapist’s office. 

Then there’s the question of what to do with the seeing. 

~ Hope

It took until I went on social media today to give some thought to it being the first day of the new year. 

I don’t think that life gives us lessons. That feels harsh.  Growth opportunities maybe? Whatever it is I’m not a fan of them most of the time. I’m not sticking my hand up in the air yelling, “pick me!” I doubt that anyone does so willingly. 

This past year contained much growth for me.  Deeply satisfying, hard-as-fuck growth. 

Who knows what the year ahead will bring.  I’m grateful to be alive to see it unfold. 

~ Hope