Monday, October 13, 2014

Naivete et al

So much going on. I keep thinking I need to send this person or that an email and fill them in but seem to have no energy to actually do it. I've felt that way for so long.

Lots of wonderfully good things. Like having our grandson for the night once a week every week. He's not quite walking yet and spending time with him is just plain fun. And hard work. His smile lights up my world. Rocking him to sleep is lovely.

Only daughter had her first baby just over a week ago. Wonderfully exciting. I spent the week with her and it was a privilege to care for her and to hold her daughter again and again and again.

I am keenly aware that were I not in recovery and had not continued to do the hard work of inner growth through the grace of God, that being invited into my adult children's lives and the lives of their children might never be. I was not the mother I wanted to be but by God I can be the grandmother I want to be. And I'm serious when I say, "by God." There is no other way. I know this. Not everyone in  recovery is this fortunate. I've heard people in meetings say so. Years of unpleasant behaviour held against them decades after they've changed. Lord have mercy.

This month is the month of anniversaries of cancer diagnosis and surgeries and life changing happenings. I read an article the other day that had a line in it that resonated - cancer took what was left of my naivete. Too true. In the vein of this being Breast Cancer Awareness month and you are bombarded with pink everything please keep in mind that the research dollars need to be going to finding a cure for metastatic breast cancer not for awareness. We are aware already. Statistics show that early detection does not save lives. Surprised by that? You can have grade 0 breast cancer and still experience metastases. Mine was grade 2, stage 2. It's going to hang over my head for the rest of my life. Here is a link that says it well.

Spiritually I've felt afloat for most of the past two years. This month I started the 19th Annotation - doing the spiritual exercises of Ignatius over the course of the next 8 months. In the short week since I've started I've come face to face with how deeply in need of grace I am. I'm horrified really. I mean who else reads Psalm 139 and writes in their journal in response 'utter bullshit." It bothered me that that was how I felt. I wanted to write something so much different than that. Thankfully a day later I returned to this psalm and felt more kindly to it. As if it would take much to feel that way! I have avoided personal scripture reading for the past few years - unable to get past pat answers that reverberate in my head when I read it. Since making this commitment to doing the exercises I have a feeling it's going to change me. I can avoid the hard conversations with God much more easily when I stay away from scripture. But scripture is living and breathing and I run smack into God when I spend time in it. Do I truly want change or do I want to pretend to change? I want change. I have to show up. It's going to happen.

Dearest One is facing potentially serious health issues. There's a part of me that says - now wouldn't that just be unfair - as if fairness was our birthright. Diagnostic tests this week should help pinpoint the problem. We are thankful for a family doctor who listens and takes action. Much better than the ER doctor who advised taking acetaminophen for pain - as opposed to our family doctor who ordered a stat CT scan to rule out a brain tumour. Huge difference, no? There are all kinds of worrisome symptoms. I keep reminding myself to stay in the day and not run towards tomorrow.

Work - what can I say? Days of an inner mantra "I will not quit my job." Then taking an opportunity to be gracious instead of vindictive to the one who causes me the most angst changed our relationship overnight. How bizarre it is. I don't like her any more than I did and certainly don't trust her any more than I did but things have changed and it continues to intrigue me.


Peter said...

This should be a blog posting, but I'll put it here. I erupt something like you do, in growly negativity more often than I want to, even getting cynical that there is such a thing as "refreshing sleep". I'm always surprised at the guilt feelings involved, but at my best, I realize they're a symptom, a flag, letting me know as if I didn't already, that I am on a really crappy part of the journey. They don't define me.

What is really important (and who knows, good friend, helpful?) is that shit happens Now and when that now passes, as you suggest in rereading Psalm 139, things look different. Maybe better. They are True at the Time, whatever.

I almost always forget that in the crappy times, and invariably wind up having to forgive myself something, when tying a knot in the rope end, and throwing the old "this too shall pass" at it, might get me through the crap better.

I affirm that there are times to pissed at scripture. And there are times to accept what it says. I affirm that all that really changes is one's readiness to hear it, and dammit, there is no guilt involved in not being up for a passage at a particular time. There is just getting back up and putting one foot in front if the other. Again.

You are a work in progress. And remember another Psalm: what a piece of work is humanity (shameless paraphrase).

Grace, kiddo.

Jim said...

You make me smile here in more ways than one. As far as your comment toward Psalms, I once penned some negative thoughts into my Bible concerning What I felt John to be saying in one of his latter epistles. Some time later I returned, read it again and apologized to John.....

spookyrach said...

Thinking about you.