Saturday, November 07, 2009

Within Me

"It sure is nice out today."

That's dearest one's code language for
let's talk about something else.
Being in a vehicle with dearest one
is one of my favourite places to be.
We have the best conversations while driving.

This particular morning we were getting honest about someone who rubbed us both the wrong way. As we talked I started to wonder why I was shoving all kinds of feelings off onto this person. One of those times when I slowly realized that it wasn't about the other person being who they are, but about how my reaction to them was about me. All me. It was while processing this out loud, and getting dangerously close to the truth, that dearest one asked me to shut up already. Well, he said it nicer than that, but that was the gist of it.

I'd read not too long ago how we circumvent breakthroughs because we try and run the other way when the feelings get too uncomfortable. I decided not to run but to stay with the dawning realization that was forming in my mind. As we navigated the exit loop off the highway, I asked myself a question out loud. Told dearest one that's the question I needed to sit with.

And then it was too late.
The truth was staring us both in the face
like a flashlight that hurts the eyes.

There is something about voicing things out loud
that can be far more startling
than just thinking them to myself.
I can dismiss something far easier if I never say it outloud.
If I only think it,
I can put it in a box
that I never plan on finding again.

I may not like the particular person we were talking about
any more than I did before dearest one and I had this conversation.
But at least I know, in that there's no going back kind of way,
that the problem lies within me.

"Every time you find yourself irritated or angry with someone, the one to look at is not that person but yourself. The question to ask is not, "What's wrong with this person?" but "What does this irritation tell me about myself?"
~ Anthony DeMello


Madison said...

Love it.

Tall Kay said...

The 12x12 refers to this as a spiritual axiom. I have found it be the truth in 'every' instance. I love those AHA moments!

enchantedoak said...

When I have am disturbed with a person, place, or thing, there is something wrong with me, and I will find no serenity until I accept that situation as being exactly the way it's supposed to be right now. At least that's what the Big Book says in the Acceptance story on page 417.
You did good work!

Pam said...

Thank you for the blue candle below and the prayers...that was so very thoughtful of you darlin'.

Prayer Girl said...

Discovery is painful, but produces such blessings.

The only way I was able to face the process of knowing "the truth" was by becoming an alcoholic, finding the 12 steps, and having a supportive therapist and lots of program friends. Over the years, I have learned how to face the pain of memories and reality and learn and grow from them. What a wonderful life.


Evelyn said...

Thank you, Hope..... I needed to read this today, as I've been skirting around some uncomfortable truths about myself for about a week now.

kberman said...

My sobriety date is 11/24/76 so my birthday is coming. I always notice that I begin being more open to change around my birthday.

My husband of 15 years left me 4 months ago. He and his girlfriend live down the street from me. With that tsinami of emotions, I have no idea what someone without AA would have been able to grow through the experience.

I have learned to feel the pain now because it will just come back later if not.

I have recently started a study of addiction and reparenting. I have need of reparenting links at

Thanks, Kathy