Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Darkness Does Not Own Me

North of the 55th parallel the days are getting noticeably darker, earlier. I feel tired more than not. Or at least it seems that way. Up here we don't count days to Christmas, but rather days until the Winter Solstice, after which, hopes grows with every minute of increasing daylight. Yes, we count by minutes. Or at least I do.

Advent will soon be here. Nearly four years ago I went on an Advent Retreat and wrote the prayer below. The shame of sexual addiction was so huge for me that day. I didn't write about what was underlying that prayer until this post. The scariest, most vulnerable post I have ever written.

Recovery is about choosing, on a daily basis, to turn towards the Light. I am grateful for the grace to do that. I rarely write about my recovery from sexual addiction anymore. It no longer seems to be the ravenous wolf, trying to eat my very soul, that it once was. I know though, that it can be just as cunning, baffling and powerful, as alcoholism. I stay aware, I stay accountable. I depend on God's grace. Every day.

I thought I'd repost this prayer today.

"Oh God, you know the darkness within. As my compulsions become less and less satisfying and more and more frantic I sense you calling me to give them up to the Light. It is hard to trust that you are enough. My head knows it but my heart feels scared to receive the truth of it. My body wants to be kept in a cocoon, safe from what scares me. Yet you beckon to me with whispers of freedom, to learn what it truly means to live, yes, truly live, in my body, connected to both mind and heart.
A symphony of movement that carries no burdens, is hampered by no fears. "Be light," I hear you say.

I want to trust that this light will satisfy me on every level. But I am scared. And I am tired of being scared. Being scared feels heavy and rough and hard. And alone.

I am scared that the voice of perfection will drown out your voice of love. So I do not try. I long to but turn my body away from you, scared to expose my naked soul to the light of your love. I am turned more towards the dark than the light yet there is a glowing red ember of your love within me. You are waiting to breathe your life into it. The darkness does not own me. It is not stuck to me but I to it. It is I who must move away.

As I enter into the Advent season I choose to turn towards the light, naked of soul before you. My cupped hands offer you the darkness within. It does not want to have the breath of light upon it but I cannot carry the burden of it with me on the journey. You want me to kow what it is to fly free.

My head knows you are the great comforter but these dark places have been my comfort for so long. They have become dry in their nourishment. I must suckle at them no more.

Bread of life feed me. Be my nourishment for the journey. Be the light for my path.



Tall Kay said...

Your wisdom and enlightenment in these posts are amazing. To read such a heartfelt post without any comments makes me grateful for the support here today. It is a journey of growth...and finding sobriety in all areas of our lives. Thank you so much for your honesty in sharing your experiences.

enchantedoak said...

What a wonderful prayer this was, Hope. It moved me because it covers so many situations where we hold back part of our lives from God's healing light. He is faithful to hear our cry. Blessings to you today.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Hope...I wish that I had a better command of more than one language in order to say this post is amazing and makes me want to meet you in person! To hug you and to thank you!

As my own journey progresses I find myself growing closer to God and closer to teh sunlight of the spirit but while realizing that the dark is always there; it's a choice I have to make with my higher power...thank you for one of the most amazing blogs ever!!!


Anonymous said...

I noticed your blog while at Steve's. That is a nice prayer. I also read your post entirely. I will follow your blog from now on.


Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting that very personal and intimate prayer, Hope. You have helped me so many times on my journey, I just want you to know that, and thanks for being here.

Steve E. said...

WOW! Hope, you are truly one spiritual girl. Thank you for the prayer, and for all your correct wisdom.

Ya know, wisdom is a Gift, not earned, not learned, but freely given by God to certain Peeps, who knows why?

Frequently we must make lots of mistakes, wrong turns off the trail, before we can even UNDERSTAND wisdom.

Thanks for having it. Thanks for passing it on.

PEACE to you, Hope!

annie said...

I've missed your writing Hope. This was a great post for me to come back to. Thanks for always sharing so much of yourself.

mile191 said...

This is beautiful. ..."turn towards the light"...very good advice. I have great hope whenever I stop by here. Hugs. mile 191

Black Pete said...


Jim said...

"I am scared that the voice of perfection will drown out your voice of love."....

Funny-As much as I think I try to "be one" with Him in what I write, I have never tried to simply sit down and talk to Him via this keyboard. After reading this, maybe I should try it. The words above struck a chord with me, as I was thinking tonight while driving home from church about "grace" and how, once we find it through contact with Him, immediately, it seems, the Church begins to speak unto us in terms of "walking on water". I know it is a two-sided coin and why I do believe that it all comes down to an honest, personal walk with Him. You bless my soul, Hope. Count the days if you wish; just continue givng them to Him as you do....

Daisy said...

I remember both of those posts well. They are just as encouraging in the second reading. Your timing is impeccable, my dear.

I, too, count the days to the Winter Solstice.


Dianne said...

Thank you Hope, for your courage.
I will keep your prayer on my lips today as I struggle with my compulsions and obsessions.
What strength you share!
I found your blog through Chris, and hope you will enjoy some poetry on mine someday.
because, LITSNT! (life is too short not to)