Monday, March 17, 2008

Tread Softly

It's been the most draining of days. I feel if I bent my head and looked into a pond of water I'd see tears streaming down my face even though there are none on the surface. My body is carrying it's mourning around with it. I find grief work hard. Maybe I need to simply acknowledge all the hard, hard work I've done in the past 7 months and let those healing tears flow.

I had a counseling appointment this morning. Turning in pages of homework dealing with control and losing control felt wretched. Facing my emotions around that stuff is scary. A loss of control of its very own. Every time I looked at the homework this past week I felt anxious and wanted to run screaming from the room. Eventually I did what I could and shared it with my counselor. I left with the remaining 30+ pages to read and fill out. I can do this but there are times when I wonder what the hell I've got myself into. There's this saying in AA that goes, When you know better, you do better. Well. Some days I'd like to crawl back into the hole of not knowing better if only to soothe myself into oblivion for a moment or two and then re-emerge and keep going forward. The only problem with that solution is the moment or two turns into a decade or more in a blink of an eye and I'm so not going there, God help me.

So tonight as I was headed to the pantry to make myself a bag of microwave popcorn I kept right on walking and picked up the phone and called my sponsor. Thank God for sponsors. As I shared how desperately I just wanted to self medicate the wanting to softened it's grip on me. Then I was able to breathe and do the next right thing.

This afternoon I had the phone interview with a producer about my mini radio documentary. It left me feeling so vulnerable. He is good at what he does. Which is look for the story beneath the story. He found it. Shit. To do this piece with any integrity and to own my story within it, I'm going to have to navigate through a family mine field.

I feel like beating my fists against God's chest.
And swearing.
Underpinning it all
is my belief that
I'm right where I need to be on the journey.

Today my counselor pictured the phrase
losing control
as a ring of fire
surrounding me.

It wouldn't be so bad except that my gut instinct says that walking through the mine field of don't talk and don't feel is going to bring a greater peace in the long run than any other option. I just hadn't bargained doing it on national radio.

Fighting demons
is hard work.


Jim said...

"Underpinning it all
is my belief that
I'm right where I need to be on the journey"....Isn't it the truth that when we most hate where we are, yet we somehow sense His presense in the shadows, some purpose being resolved in what is taking place....

HeyJules said...

Hope, I think you have an amazing opportunity here. I have this overwhelming feeling that if you can get through this radio thing you are going to take a huge, gigantic step forward in your life.

I want you to do me a favor and not think of it as jumping off into an unknown cavern that will possibly plummet you to the ground but, INSTEAD, think of it as a huge opportunity to break out your wings and learn to fly.

How can you fall when we're all lifting you up in prayer???

the Mom said...

Hope, God bless you as you continue on this difficult journey. It is very hard to lose the tight grip of control on the painful things in your memory, but it is such a light feeling once you've turned them loose and realize that they no longer have any power over you.