Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Inner and Outer Realities

Ever since a friend helped me make the connection between pain filled accidents in my life and inner pain I have noticed how careful I can be not to have those accidents. To pay attention to the inner pain before I do something that manifests it in the outer realms of my being. This has been a pain filled week so far for me. Inner conflict and outer conflict. Sorting through truth and fiction in my life and having to deal with realities in the lives of those who mean the most to me, my family. It is hard work. I want the courage to face it and I want the strength to deal with it all the while wanting to curl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head until it resolves itself without me. The only thing is that it involves me so either I want to be a part of it and go forward or I know I choose to live with the consequences. Blah.

That probably doesn't make a lot of sense without the details but there are some things I have chosen not to write about on my blog and the details of this pain filled time is one of them.

Today I stubbed my toe so hard that it was similar, but softer, to the crack you hear when a baseball bat connects with the ball. I don't know if it is broken. My heart feels broken. I have broken my toes so many times that I know by now they won't do anything other than splint it and tell me to keep it elevated. My husband is an ER nurse and when he checked it and wanted to touch it I would have kicked him except that would have hurt worse. (Did I mention I am not a great patient?) It is the first time though that I can recognize that there is inner and outer pain connecting in my life. Let me clarify that every broken toe is not some symbol of inner pain...I don't have some dumb pat answer for every ill that comes our way in life. I just know that sometimes outer pain seems a blessed relief to dealing with the inner pains of life. In the meantime I will keep my toe and my prayers elevated.

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