It is 4:08 AM as I start this post. No whining allowed today. But in hopes of getting some sleep before the sun creeps over the horizon I need to put down in writing what I thought while I was cleaning out my van yesterday.
Cleaning the van ranks right up there with cleaning closets, fridges and ovens. As in never. I do get the occasional pang of guilt that something (empty pop bottles, books, and jackets on the floor or petrified french fries under the seat)is going to become a projectile and do serious damage if I am ever in an accident. But it is rarely enough of a guilt trip to make me do anything about it. This time though it was the aroma of 10 day old left over salad from Wendy's(am I admitting that in public?) that forced me to clean. That and the fact that whenever I feel like life is careening out of control I get this overwhelming urge to clean something. Too bad I hadn't checked my grocery list on the fridge before I did so. Right there at the top it says: Q-tips.
What does that have to do with cleaning? Well - you can tell the level of out-of-control-ness I feel by what I choose to clean with. Today I really wanted to get at those hard-to-clean filthy crevices with a Q-tip or toothpick. That desire is a signal I have enough stuff strewn inside of me doing serious damage but I'm finding it easier to pick at something visible and feed the illusion that I AM in control of it all.
I was halfway through cleaning the van when I realized I wanted a Q-tip. Truth sometimes looks ugly and denial deceptively beautiful. To the ordinary passer by (not that we have those in this remote corner of the world) it would have looked as if I was just cleaning my van. But the urge to get out a Q-tip and clean every crevice of its dirt forced me to look at just what I felt so out of control over. I think it's called LIFE with KIDS. Some days I honestly think parenthood starts with hyperventilation during labour and it possibly never ends. I wonder if there is a paper bag out there strong enough for the long haul.
I'm never going to be in control of it all. In the place inside of me where Truth is beautiful I know that. Much of the time I am thankful for that Truth and I can rest in it. The Q-tip moments are more the exception rather than the rule now. It used to be that I lived either in those moments or chaos(ok, I know those are the same thing but they look different to the passerby) - much like my messy or clean van.