I don't know if this ever happens to you but it happens to me. Something tells me I should rejoice but to cringe and slink down in my seat is my first reaction. Truth shall make me free but first it shall fill me with dread.
A few Sundays ago I was sitting in church - the one we have gone to for many years. I've explained before that I am a recent convert to Catholicism but still go to this Protestant church with my husband and boys. Some Sundays I just wish the Protestant pastor could hear the homily at the Catholic church so he could hear how clearly the gospel is being preached. Some Sundays I hear very similar sermons between the two churches. Some Sundays they are miles apart in spirit and truth. Anyway this is getting off topic.
So, a few Sundays ago I was in church and all of a sudden this clear vision comes creeping over my shoulder and plants itself in my head. You know those times when you feel like Truth has snuck up on you but it is too late to block it? There is no delete button. And as often as I would like to think of Truth as spam well, some could argue that is the problem today - people think Truth is spam and delete it before they consider it for what it is. I can welcome Truth much more readily in my life when it appears to be about someone else and about just about anything else but myself.
I was sitting there when Truth showed me that I have spent my whole life, spiritually and otherwise, jockeying for position. I am rarely content to be, as I am, right now. Like being in a jostling crowd, I am constantly trying to jockey for position. Ugh.
I don't know what kind of vision you have of yourself as an old person. I know I want to be warm hearted and wise. I want the kind of countenance that shows I have learned to love well and freely. A countenance that draws people in and points them to Him. I want to become all that I was created to be.
Truth is jockeying for position in my life so that I can become all I was created to be.