Thursday, March 31, 2005

Self Absorption

If I sound self absorbed lately, I am. If I don't sound self absorbed,
I sure feel like I am. And for once I don't think it is necessarily a
bad thing. Well, maybe for the people right close to me but you out
there can just click onto another page while I stay here in my self
absorbed circle. Actually for the people closest to me it isn't
necessarily a bad thing either. This time it is going to lead somewhere better. Wow. There have been times when I have felt self absorbed and being like that eventually feels icky. Like I want to distance myself from myself and be someone else or at least visit a different part of me for a while. Let me explain.

Yesterday we went shopping. I listened to my self talk and was a bit surprised at how much I put myself at the bottom of the list. Somewhere along the path of life I learned that to have no needs was safest. How much energy I have spent spewing the anger outwards at others for rejecting myself. Looking for a target. Yesterday showed me that either I take responsibility for putting myself at the bottom of the list or else live with an angry spirit forever. It's my choice.

I think there are patterns in our lives that keep getting repeated
until we get a clearer image of the pattern and how uncomfortable a fit it is. Like repeated episodes bring the pattern into clearer focus and eventually we can see the picture as it really is. The once comfortable pattern becomes visible for the imposter it is.

I see the pattern clearly now and I don't like it. I don't want to try and fit into it anymore. And I am the only one who can do anything about it. I see that the more I refuse to acknowledge my needs the more self absorbed I get. There are times when I feel like a toddler who is just learning the word "mine".

For a while now I have been tellling my husband that I just need enough
money every month to get a haircut, buy some clothes and have a little
spending money. He is not a hard man to get along with. He has
always been generous. But when payday comes and I see myself refusing to admit my needs it tells me something is out of whack. With me. And lately I have found myself making snide comments to him when he has come home with some agreed upon purchase that is for him. The anger I feel that he is free to have needs and fulfill them and I am not brings out the worst in me. I can't make too many of those snide comments though before I start hearing my mother's voice coming out of my mouth and it forces me to examine just what is sticking in my craw. I could see yesterday that I have a pattern of wanting to be a martyr and when given the chance to be free of it I hang onto it instead.

Yesterday I listened to my inner dialogue as I crossed stuff off my to-buy list.
The stuff that was important to me and only me. And how much time
I waste waiting for someone else to notice I have crossed this stuff
off my list - even when the list is only in my head.

I no longer want to be the martyr of the month every month. Or any month for that matter. And I do plan on doing something about it. At long last.

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