Monday, February 14, 2005

Trigger Happy

The title of this post says it for me. Life feels like it has been trigger happy lately. Every day occurences triggering bad memories for me. Makes me want to hide from life.

On one level I know the triggering is a good thing. It means my guard is down enough that I can feel the feelings that the triggers unearth. But it sure doesn't feel good. Frozen is a good word to describe it. It doesn't seem to matter what age I get a freeze frame of in my head they all feel the same. Panicky. Hide. Take cover. Be good. Cringe.

This past week one trigger was the rape at 17. Another was how I learned sometime as a kid that not having needs was my role in life. I realized this past week I am still acting that one out in real time today. Cut it out already I tell myself. Jesus, all I want to be is a grown up. That's my prayer.

Some days I hate the road to adulthood. You know how as a kid you would chew a piece of gum far too long and then pull it out of your mouth to find it sticking to your fingers? You'd pull it off that finger with another one and on and on until you had bits of gum stuck on every finger and no way to free yourself from its web? Some days that is what the past feels like. Stuck to every bit of skin available with no way to get free of it. All the while pretending that gum doesn't exist at all. Can't you just picture a package of gum titled Denial and in small letters it says "Chew at your own risk."?

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