Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Back To The Present

My procrastinating ways are going to catch up with me today. Tomorrow I'm off to a women's weekend. Today will be laundry, lists and packing. I'll be one of a dozen speakers over the course of the weekend. I look forward to that. This weekend is one of great love and fellowship. In many ways it's life giving for me. In others it's a challenge to my recovery.

One of the biggest hurdles for me this weekend will be no bingeing. I've binged my way through this weekend before. There is food. Lots of it. Everytime one turns around it's either meal time or coffee break. There's candy on every table throughout the whole day. And when the bowl gets empty they refill it! Social situations are one of my biggest triggers for bingeing. I'm not a social butterfly, I prefer one on one conversations. In social situations food can seem a safer companion than the person next to me.

On Monday, by God's grace, I'll have 5 months of no binge eating. I don't miss the insanity of it. The inability to stop shoving food into my mouth while my head is screaming at me to stop right this minute. My inability to listen to the voice of reason. My refusal to surrender to a power greater than myself until after the binge is over. I don't miss the shame, the guilt, the self loathing. I do miss the instant gratification.

There are certain foods I avoid today because to taste one bite of them will take me down a road I don't want to go. I can have the greatest intentions while plotting ways to get around my own boundaries. Because one has to eat my food addiction seems harder to navigate than alcohol. Yet in action it works the same way. Deciding to have just one drink when you know the whole bottle's going to call your name until it's empty is the same kind of relationship I have with junk food, candy and pop. Give me a little bit and I want it all and I don't want to share it either.

Today. That's all I have to live. I'm getting ahead of myself yet know I need a plan in place, too. In treatment we came up with a relapse prevention plan. I need to take a copy with me tomorrow and read it every day. I can't do any of this on my own strength. God help me. I can feel the anxiety between my words.

This little excerpt from Be-good-to-yourself-Therapy speaks to me right now:
"19. When you feel anxious, let yourself know that in your head you've moved into the future to something scary and your body has gotten up the energy for it. Come back to the present."
Come back to the present.
It's all you have.


Anonymous said...

"In social situations food can seem a safer companion than the person next to me."

I use to feel that way about smoking. I never actually quit; I've just postponed my next one for about 12 years so far. Every once in a while, in certain situations, I still crave one but I know that my mind has built up the experience much more than the reality of it. Still, there are those days....

Lucky women get to hear you give a talk! I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

Wayne Stratz said...

may you have a blessed weekend. people keep reminding me to be gentle with myself, so let me pass that on to you.

daisymarie said...

I eat much better when others eyes are on me....danger for me is food that screams to me when I'm alone.

Catherine said...

Oh nuts, I think my comment erased. I was just saying that although this post was written several years ago, it spoke to me tonight.
I, a sugar addict and recovering alcoholic, made a leap of faith tonight by finally agreeing to commit my food to someone. I am tired of the noise in my head.
I am going to come back to the present and turn it into a peaceful present. Even though I am scared.
Thanks :)