Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Can It Be Mine?

Last night in the candle lit darkness I was listening to
this CD by Andrew Peterson
and wondering what it looks like to have joy in every circumstance. What does it look like? Is it possible? Is it desirable? Can it be mine? There are so many times that by the light of candles I can be full of what feels like total peace. Turn on the lights and the reality of life hits and *poof* the peace disappears like a genie down a lamp. I want the peace in the dark to match the light of day. I used to have a little saying in my purse that said something like this: "Everyone is agreeable if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment." Oh, for those moments!

What does it look like to be content when life's circumstances aren't what you wish they were? How does one juggle being real and truthful with contentment? I think of those smiling faces of little ones in third world countries, ones who have nothing but the joy in their hearts. How does one get that? What does it look like to truly "Let Go and Let God"?

I have the feeling that there has been more times than I care to admit where I stuffed my reality down inside so that I could appear agreeable to life's cirucmstances. I want the joy to be the real thing.

All these thoughts are going through my mind lately because we are at the edge of a major life change and I don't want to go through it. But because I have to anyway, I want to go through it well. I want to make the best of what looks like a bad situation but I don't want to be pollyanna-ish about it without it being the real thing. I think of the saints of the spiritual life that I admire and I know that their contentment and peace did not hinge on circumstances being what they wanted them to be but in spite of them. Last night I told God, "Ok, I want to be like that."

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