Hello World

I've been listening to this song on the way to work every day these past few weeks. I get like that sometimes. A song gets stuck in my head and it's on repeat for a very long time. I can hear my family groan at the familiarity of that habit of mine. This morning I had a moment when I was overcome with awe at creation and how we are both created by the Creator. I had to swallow back the tears as I was pulling into my parking spot at work.



I'm on the home stretch as far as work goes. Another day in the office and then I'm done for the summer. I am ready for a break. I've been reflecting on my attitudes/actions at work this week as I drive. So much room for improvement. I sure can have an attitude in a heart beat. I'm trying to remember that a bad attitude does not make me a bad person. I am grateful for the grace to look inward and upward.

Paper Bag Nerves

"I need a paper bag to scream in to."

I said that to one of my coworkers near quitting time.
Lordy, what a day that was yesterday.
I was feeling down right rattled.

A rare feeling.
Thank God.
I used to go looking for situations
that would get me rattled.
Oh, the drama.
"More, please" was my cry.

Thank God I no longer
have a hankering for drama.
I truly did feel like screaming just to vent my frustration though.
I totally lost my perspective for a bit.
Had I a paper bag and some privacy I would have done just that.
A good scream can do wonders for getting the nerves settled.
Works for me, anyway.

Thankfully the beeping was not serenading me every 5 seconds.
I cannot imagine what that would have added to the mix.
The furnace didn't work though.
It was -30C outside and 14C in the office.
The fix-it man showed up promptly and soon
I could take my coat and gloves off.
I'm all for short lived inconveniences.

A friend of mine used to tell me that
the best she could do some days
was be grateful there was a night between two days.
I am grateful for many things on any given day,
AA has taught me that,
but I must say a good night's sleep
between yesterday and today is high on the list.

Fertilized

"The trick is to realize that the shit that falls on you is fertilizer."
~Ron Mangravite as quoted in The Not So Big Life

Quite the quote isn't it? This is one of the books I received as a Christmas present. It has end of the chapter exercises but, true to form, I have been skipping those to simply read the book. Even if I never do the exercises it's helped me gain some perspective about my current job situation. I am filling in for a maternity leave. I signed a one year contract. I have no idea if the person I am filling in for is coming back but everyone at work knows that I hope she doesn't. I love my job. I feel like it's been tailor made for me. This morning though, as I read along in the above book, I grasped that if the contract does indeed come to an end that there is a world of possibilities waiting for me. A real good reminder that I don't know what's best for me and there is Someone who does whom I can trust. Of course, I will feel disappointed if my job ends. I will cry. I will miss those I work with, too. But for this morning at least, I know even if it feels like it, that it won't be the end of the world.

I'd lost sight of that for a good long while.

Slowly

"I can't take in one more piece of information today."

My boss looks at me and doesn't quite know what to say. She's used to me making a note of what needs to be looked into with a quick turnaround time. I make the note although I know I won't look into it until the middle of next week. The moment she asked it of me I envisioned 35 other requests coming my way today and I just couldn't handle the thought of that happening. My comment was meant to stop all those remaining requests from being made.

Yesterday was both exhausting and fun. I love detail work that is methodical. I also like working with the public. Yesterday was full of detail work and the public. I went home last night feeling like I rocked at my job. Which I do. I am so grateful for a satisfying job.

This morning however, in the aftermath, there is so much paperwork to deal with that I am buried in it. My desk, normally organized and in place, is piled with stacks of paper. I am so tired that I've been working for several hours without attending to the stacks one little bit. My head is aching, the same weird headache I had last night, and I momentarily feel totally sick. The phone has rung constantly since I came in, there have been contractors in and out all morning, and I can't figure out what the next step is so that I can make order out of chaos.

My boss finds her voice and tells me that I should tell them all to shut up and leave me alone. Which isn't my style, so I don't. She does however leave me alone, in a good natured way, the rest of the day.

By the end of the day there is semi order and the stacks of paperwork have been sorted through once, notes made, although I still have to email the whole lot to the next person up the chain of command and then photocopy them all for my files. At least they are in an orderly pile on my desk for next week.

Next week.

When another batch of paperwork will be added to the pile.

Most of the day this song was going through my head:



I can't remember the last time I was so grateful for a Friday.

Teasing Smiles

I am so not a morning person.
Why would one choose to be up
when the sun is still visiting distant relatives?
Right. To get a paycheck.
Silly me.

Dearest one couldn't resist teasing me
as he went out the door
shortly after 5:30 AM.
Teasing me that I'm up so early
when I don't have to be at work
until an hour and half later than he does.
Then he remembered that if he got up earlier
maybe he'd be able to eat breakfast.
And that he has much less hair to fix than me
and hasn't taken to wearing makeup,
so that helps his morning schedule.

Dearest one does have the most beautiful smile.
It lights up his face.
I will carry his parting teasing smile
with me through the day today.
For even though it's still dark outside
and I'll never be a morning person,
his smile continues to light up my heart.

Ding, Ding, Ding

It's been a great day.
I know everyone has their idea of fun.
When it comes to work, mine is methodical tasks.
So I like it when there's a pile of filing to do,
when there are appointments to be made and phones to answer.
Isn't it a good thing that's what my job is partly made up of?

I am so glad I can see some humour in the learning process.
I dutifully scanned the packing slip, emailed it away and was quite pleased with myself. About a half an hour later I went to file the photocopy. I looked at the name on it and thought, "Hmmm. I don't think that's the person I emailed it to. I don't quite remember. If I email her and say, "hey, did you get a copy of this receipt by mistake she'll think I'm a few bricks short a load if I didn't send it to her. Hmmm."

And I left it at that, knowing who the right person was the next time I had to do that task, wondering still if I messed it up or not.
People are not only welcoming me in this new job, they cut me slack. Ding, ding, ding my inbox rang and there was an email that said, "I don't think you meant to send me this." She signed it with a happy face. And I could write back, "You're so right! I didn't."

There was a time when perfectionism hounded me so relentlessly that I'd have experienced a nose dive in self esteem as soon as the mistake had been revealed. I am so thankful I can grin and learn from it and carry on to other things.

Tomorrow is full of interesting new people to meet and tasks to do.
But this is today. And it's been full and satisfying.

Of Muscles, Spoons and Sleep

There's nothing like sitting behind a desk all day to cure me of spending too much time online at home. My body hurts so much right now I keep holding my breath. My body is screaming at me to take better care of all those muscles. Well, the muscles I would have if I'd been an exercise guru while I was losing weight. I only have those saggy pouches of skin that somehow on the Biggest Loser they don't have. Right, that's because they exercise like mad when they're losing weight. They don't wait until it's all saggy and the muscles that are supposed to be holding up all that skin have atrophied as well. Damn, I hurt.

All that to say I can't sit at my desk at home one more minute.

Before I leave my chair though, I am grateful for several things:

For making it through the day without causing
one single machine in the office to crash.
For figuring out how to do several tasks
that need to done on a regular basis.
That after many tries, many blank emails,
I got a scanned copy to appear in my inbox.

For 800 numbers. I answered the phone and gave people another number to call....you know the one where they know what they're talking about?
I am glad for 800 numbers when I'm the one giving them out.
Not so glad for them when they call me at night
trying to sell me something....like swampland in Florida.
(no offense to floridians)
For not having to walk through all these firsts alone.
For cruise control on my car.
It takes less energy than keeping my foot on the gas.

Despite the physical pain I'm in now, I had a good day.
I like the people I work with.
I have no spoons left but I plan on being in bed before 9 pm
and hope to sleep like I'm dead.
Before that I'm doing yoga
no matter whether I want to or not.
I'm glad I have choices.
I'm glad to be alive.
I'm grateful to have a job.
I'm glad I won't forever be in pain
at the end of every single work day.