Dearest Dearest One

It's a wonder what 10 hours of sleep can do for a person.
I need between 9 and 10 every night
but unless I want to go to bed by 8 pm
it's not going to happen.
I was in bed by 8:30 one night this week.
My body demanded it.
Sleeping in is a treat.
It helps me feel more alive.
I wish my heart wasn't racing like crazy
every morning.
Dearest one teases me that it's because
when I come out to the kitchen
my heart speeds up when I see him standing there.
The man can make my heart do flip flops
tachycardia is another story.
I guess for today I can
leave my health in God's hands.
Sounds so simple, although my only sane option.

Today is dearest one's graduation.
These past two years he's been teaching students
and taking courses at the same time.
We're going to make a lot of noise
when he walks across the stage.
He doesn't know that yet.
But he will when the time comes.

This is a man who grew up in a culture where post secondary education
was frowned upon as worldly.
He left high school half way through grade 10
to look after the family farm
after his dad had serious surgery.
Despite being told as a boy that he was dumb,
despite growing up in an enviroment
where home work was seen as coming
afterfield work and chores, if at all,
eventually he returned to school
and graduated as a registered nurse.
Totally out of his cultural norms.
Today he'll receive his nursing degree.
In the fall he'll start on his Master's.
He works hard.
He loves learning.
He is right where he's supposed to be.
I'm proud of him.
Very proud of him.
He's my dearest one.

Teasing Smiles

I am so not a morning person.
Why would one choose to be up
when the sun is still visiting distant relatives?
Right. To get a paycheck.
Silly me.

Dearest one couldn't resist teasing me
as he went out the door
shortly after 5:30 AM.
Teasing me that I'm up so early
when I don't have to be at work
until an hour and half later than he does.
Then he remembered that if he got up earlier
maybe he'd be able to eat breakfast.
And that he has much less hair to fix than me
and hasn't taken to wearing makeup,
so that helps his morning schedule.

Dearest one does have the most beautiful smile.
It lights up his face.
I will carry his parting teasing smile
with me through the day today.
For even though it's still dark outside
and I'll never be a morning person,
his smile continues to light up my heart.

A Hint Of A Smile

There's a pureness to the morning air today that evokes a sense of contentment within me. A little bit of a chill combined with the sunshine make me feel grateful to be alive. Although being grateful for something that comes easily isn't really a big deal - the weather doesn't drive me batty very often - 40 below and snow for a week will do it - but little else does. I am glad to live in a part of the world where we experience all four seasons. Well, okay - they all make an appearance even if only for what seems like a day or two for the warmer ones and like a great aunt showing vacation slides for the coldest part of the year.

I've been gardening and mowing lawns and enjoying the summer sunshine this week. Usually by now we can see a few leaves starting to turn colour. That hasn't happened yet. I've sometimes wondered if the trees that leaf out the earliest in the spring are the ones to lose their leaves the earliest in the fall. One year I'm going to mark some of those trees and see if my ponderings bear any weight.

Dearest one came home yesterday from work absolutely exhausted after twelve hours straight of patient care and emergencies. It was so busy he missed all his coffee and meal breaks. When I went to bed last night, only a few minutes behind him, he was already sleeping. I thought he was waiting to scare me. It was so dark that I couldn't see my way to the bed. I said to him, "Did you pull the blinds?" Then I took a closer look and realized it was simply dark out and that was what was making it pitch black in our room. Then I said, "I know you are just pretending to be asleep. You're waiting for me to crawl into bed and then you're going to growl at me and scare me." Total silence from his side of the bed. I'm thinking he's really going to try and scare me this time. When I did finally find the bed and crawl in I was a little disappointed to find out he was truly fast asleep. We would have ended up in laughter had he really been waiting to scare me. He has this growl that has a hint of a smile in it and while I pretend to be scared we both secretly like it. I am so grateful for his sense of humour. Without it I would be far more serious about life than I am already. I envy him that ability to have his head hit the pillow and sleep to follow a few seconds later. This morning he asked me when I had come to bed.

I got him back real good once when he scared me. I waited a good long while before I pulled this trick. It was pitch black, not unlike last night, and I hid behind a wall that jutted out a little bit making it so he couldn't see me. I heard his footsteps coming and at just the right moment I jumped out and scared him. He was so startled that he nearly punched me before he realized it was me and not some intruder. That happened over 10 years ago and it still makes me laugh. It's not often that I get him back for all the hijinks he pulls. As you can see I savour each opportunity I get.

The next time you need to visit the emergency ward, have a stay in the hospital, or visit someone who is a patient there, say a little prayer of thanks for the nursing staff. Dearest one enjoys his job so much that many days he can't believe he gets paid to do what he does. Then there are days like yesterday when he's really glad there's a paycheck when all is said and done.

A Room With A View

Friday.
Dearest one is done working nights.
We are going to spend the day together,
travelling in his car to places north and west.
I love driving with him.
He is fun to be with.
Last night we caught a ride with friends to visit some other friends who were working nearby at a Bible camp.
As I got in the vehicle the door unexpectedly swung closed behind me.
I said, "Watch, dearest one is going to comment that I didn't leave the door open for him."
As soon as I said it, dearest one opened the door, got in and muttered in a half jesting tone, "For pity's sake I even have to open my own door."
We all errupted in laughter.
I told him it was good he was so predictable.
He is fun to be with.
Later on he went for a walk and came back into the dining hall with his hands cupped.
He motioned for me to open my hands to receive what he had to offer.
I hesitated. Was it a grasshopper? A frog?
I got ready to scream.
"Trust me," he said.
Into my hands he dropped two very tiny wild strawberries.
They tasted so sweet on my tongue.

I'm leaning against the wall as I type. Above my shoulder is a small window. Every morning the sun shines on my face as I write these posts. I read once in a book on small spaces about how people often want a bank of windows to look out in their home. The writer challenged the idea and talked about how a view, however small, has a story of its own to offer. A snapshot of sorts. There is a little piece of one of our livingroom windows that was left exposed when we put the air conditioner in. This tiny piece of glass was something I looked through whenever I did a certain yoga pose in my yoga routine. I'd turn and bend and hold the pose. My gaze out the window revealed a sturdy tree trunk and then trees in the distance behind it. I often thought about how I would be watching the changing seasons through this bit of a view. I never spoke of it. It was simply a comfort every time I did that pose.

Then dearest one covered it over with a blue file folder. Blue file folders may fade in the sunshine but they remain static. However small the view out this piece of glass, I looked forward to its stability. When I wash the dishes I look out another small window and observe the fields, the trees and in the distance, a bit of the highway as it curves up the hill. On winter days I can guage the road conditions by how much of the highway's black ribbon is visible. Other times there's a long string of lights and it tells us there's most likely been an accident. Occasionally a huge harvest moon appears for a few moments in all its orange glory as it crests the hill. The same view with subtle changes on a daily basis. All I have to do is open my eyes to see.

Last night we met at the Bible camp a man we used to spend quite a bit of time with when we were new Christians. He and his wife were missionaries nearby, ministering to people who were raised with a different view of Christianity. Hospitable people, rigid, very rigid in their beliefs. I liked rigidity back then. It made me feel safe. Over time that has dissipated. Occasionally I still find myself drawn to it. When that happens I know I am afraid of something. Now I worship in a setting with the very same people this man spent so much of his life trying to convert. Because of this I found myself feeling on guard last night. I realized I was holding my breath and tensing my body. As if ready for flight. Which really says more about me than him. I had to remind myself to breathe, to relax. This morning I wrote in my journal that I needed to give this man the benefit of the doubt. That in the interceding years since we last met that perhaps he has softened his rigid ways, that maybe he's changed as much as I have. I believe the people who I feel the most threatened by are my best teachers. They show me parts of who I am and where I am on my journey. I usually embrace those as opportunities after the fact. In the moment I tend to want to run the other way. I hope that one day I will be settled enough in who I am and where I am that I will embrace whoever I meet.

We all look out our windows and see the same sun, sky and moon.
Depending on where we are in this world, we see them from
a different perspective.
From a different view.

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. Open the eyes of my heart.
I want to see you. I want to see you.

Minutae

The energizer bunny is sleeping at my feet. She spent the 5 minutes before that barking at an imaginary enemy down the hallway. I had to open a bedroom door so she could tentatively peek and reassure herself that no enemy lived within. Youngest son's room does look like a warzone at times though. Well, then again, so does mine.

Yesterday my in-laws came over to work in our garden. They have just a little raised garden bed now and were happy when we offered to plant potatoes here for them. Yesterday they came to hill them and do a bit of weeding, something my mother-in-law especially enjoys. She with leukemia and he with congestive heart failure and there they were each with a hoe, enjoying a sunny afternoon in the garden. I picked weeds by hand, putting them in a 5 gallon bucket to throw over the fence. 15 gallons later the garden was weeded. I even found the Lavatera which had germinated despite the competition from the rag weed.

All that weeding means I have less spoons today than normal. Bending over to weed still takes a lot out of me. More than I realized. I have nearly 20% of my blood volume bypassing picking up oxygen as it does the loop and when I bend over my lungs protest and beg for air. Well, they don't beg for it until after I go horizontal so overnight they went into overdrive and are protesting as I type. Breathing deep hurts and makes me cough. I had hope to resume walking and yoga today but I think a day on the couch is going to be the wisest choice I can make.

Dearest one has a final exam tonight. He could use some prayer. Going to school plus teaching full time has left him feeling exhausted. The worst/best of it is that this will continue to be his reality as he was awarded a tenure track position this spring. That means he has 3 years to complete his Master's degree and then he'll receive tenure. On top of all that he is working hard on inner issues which he says is more exhausting than school and work combined. He is one courageous man. He's in a place where it's too late to stop the momentum of inner work/growth yet has days when the new awareness is so painful he'd like to erase the forward movement he's made if only to take a momentary breather. He's goes on a work related trip later this week and gets to see only daughter as a bonus.

Energizer bunny is now snoring gently at my feet. It's time to join her. Not in sleeping on the floor, mind you, but in sleeping. It's only 8:30 am. My body is screaming at me to pay attention and get some rest. I am grateful that spoonless posts are not the norm anymore, although they have been in the picture more often of late. This too shall pass.