So Much More

Today is dearest one's 50th birthday and my 22nd AA birthday. I'm writing this the night before because part of my present to dearest one is getting up early so we can drive in to work together tomorrow instead of taking separate vehicles. Driving anywhere together is one of our favourite past times. He starts work nearly 2 hours before I do these days so I will get work done in a very quiet office. I was supposed to be on holidays this week but that hasn't happened. I sound so altruistic right now, getting up before the crack of dawn, but I will never be a morning person. I hope my boss doesn't find me with my head on my desk snoozing when she comes in. At least if I drool on my desk while I'm sleeping it will be honest drool, not hungover drool.

Dearest one is a very handsome 50 year old. He looks younger than me. By years and years even though I am younger than him. It's the reason I dye my hair so that I don't get mistaken for his older sister or something worse. His students often think he is thirty something although that messes with their heads because they know he is old enough to be their dad. Wouldn't it be nice to look thirty something with twenty something year old kids?

One of the things I bought him for his birthday was a dozen roses. He loves them. His first ever bouquet of flowers. Who says flowers are only for women? Of course we can't the vase that fits a dozen long stemmed roses so they are in a clear plastic juice jug right now. There are only so many places I could have put that vase and so far I can't remember where. The other thing I bought him is in the back of my car because it`s too heavy for me to lift. I covered it with my spring jacket and a sweater. That is one kind of reusable wrapping paper.

We are having a small party tomorrow night with dearest one`s family (we call getting together with 6 out of 9 siblings and their families small) and then in late spring will have a huge party. When dearest one turned 40 I invited 70 people to a surprise birthday barbecue. It was a blast. So we`ll do an encore this year. Turning 50 is a privilege. There is one less sibling alive ten years later, one less nephew. Milestone birthdays especially remind us of that. Of what could be, but isn`t.

Twenty two years ago we celebrated dearest one's birthday by having a drink. My last drink. The only time I ever had one drink. The rest of the bottle got poured down the drain. That's a story and a half for another day. I'm just grateful I haven't had a drink since. When I was a teenager in years sober I seriously considered going on a drinking binge. In the time it took me to stop at one of those 4 way stops I had considered and planned it all out. Then I thought to myself "Holy Shit". Cunning, baffling and powerful indeed. I had no idea I would ever consider a drink again. It had been 10+ years since I'd been to an AA meeting. The whole thing shook me up enough to get my butt in a chair at a meeting and I've been doing that regularly ever since. I still feel like a baby in recovery. One of the lines I have highlighted in my Big Book is this:

"We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough."

There is so much more to this journey than simply putting down the bottle. I am grateful to know that now.

Of Belly Buttons And Thanksgiving

The two tops hits I get on my blog are for
a poem by Ted Loder called
Thank You For Each Moment.

and for belly button birthdays.

Both seem appropriate to repost today.
Tomorrow is my belly button birthday and I'll be turning 47.
I am grateful for every year I get on this earth.
I was born way too early in a time where preemie babies rarely made it.
Every day is a gift.
So it seems a good time to reprint the original poem by Ted Loder:

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the blue-sky moment,
the softening earth,
the refreshing wind,
the yellow bush,
for my full heart
and the joy rising in me.

Soften me
to receive whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment
for the twilight moment,
the pause,
the good tired,
for the quiet reflection,
the slowing down,
the mysterious sunset,
for the wisdom growing inside me.

Gentle me
to feel whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the midnight moment,
the loneliness,
the fretful wondering,
for the watchful stars,
the long ache,
the sleepless wait,
and the hope straining in me.

Focus me
to see whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the high-noon moment,
the job,
the necessary routine,
for the sweaty struggle,
the impulse to change,
and the courage gathering in me.

Ground me
to wrestle with whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Lord, thank you for each moment,
for the shared moment,
the listening,
the unguarded word,
for the fragile openness,
the ready smile,
the accepted difference,
for my passionate heart
and the trust rooting in me.

Stretch me
to grow with whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Thank you for each moment,
for the charged moment,
the confrontation,
for the hard decision,
the unexpected growing,
for my intense heart
and the truth expanding in me.

Free me
to be open to whatever comes as a gift
and to praise you in it.

Thank you for each moment,
for the holy moment,
the music,
the child's eyes,
for the sunlight,
the touch,
the tears,
for the trembling pleasure,
the unutterable beauty,
for the life and love and heart in me aware,
and the wholeness spreading in me.

Touch me
through whatever comes as a gift
That I may be grateful
and praise you in it.

~from Guerrillas of Grace by Ted Loder

More Birthday, Less Belly

One of the most frequent hits I get on this blog is for the term belly button birthday, which I wrote about nearly a year ago and reread today. It's a term used to differentiate between your birth day and the day you celebrate your sobriety.

This will be a full week. For those of you who are so inclined, my spiritual director, Fr. Charlie, is having surgery in a few days and prayers would be appreciated. He often talks about the ripple effects of transformation in a person's life. I am a beneficiary of the ripples of his own transformation. And I think you may be, too. He has held out a beacon of hope for me when I've been unable to see any way out of the miry clay. This past week he kept asking me the same hard question half a dozen times during our session. It took that many tries before I was willing to consider the question and answer. Fr. Charlie's seen every avoidance tactic I employ and is not fizzed by them in the least. God bless him.

The radio documentary airs this week. That same day I will see my therapist, say goodbye to a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer and has only a few weeks to live, and visit another friend who has been on the brink of death so many times that I've pulled back from the friendship because I can't handle that we're not going to grow old together. Those are more words than any sentence should contain. Oh well. Trying to wrap my head around death continues to befuddle me.

My birthday is the following day.

This year I have more birthday, less belly. Typing that makes me grin because my brain goes into overdrive with too much information. Sorry. Sixty pounds less weight means less belly. The same wonderful rising bread dough punched down flesh that comes after babies and more babies and weight gains and losses and the ageing process that makes it all go south eventually. When you live as far north as I do going south has a nice ring to it. Okay, okay, I'm done being corny. Considering that I was born 12 weeks too early in a time when survival was not expected, I'm grateful for every year I age. No, I don't always embrace that pimples, wrinkles and grey hair can coexist. But in the whole scheme of things, every day is a bonus. I get to live this day.

Friday night I will be on a team for Relay For Life. For 12 hours through the night, one of our 10 member team will be walking around the track with 140+ other teams. The event is held at night to remind us that cancer never sleeps. You know, with my chronic health issues, what a gift it is that I can take part in something like this. Yes, I'll be spoonless for a while afterwards, but I will bounce back. I will bounce back. Well, with my extra skin and less belly, I'll bounce a little further. Everyone should be so lucky. And they aren't. And I'm really aware of that today.