Questions Anyone?

Lucy has this delightful meme on her blog and I jumped up and down and asked for questions. Here's how it works. I read Lucy's blog about this exercise. I asked to be interviewed. Lucy sent me the following five questions, which will be answered in this post. Then...it's your turn. If you want to play, either on the comment section to this post, or in an email to me, just let me know you would like to be interviewed. I will then dream up some questions with whatever info about you I can gain from your blog or other sources that you give me. Hopefully you'll have fun exploring the questions on your blog. So, here are the questions Lucy posed to me and my answers:

#1. Your 'wildly perfect place' post touched me deeply. It was written nearly five years ago. Can you articulate today, what your relationship with "perfectionism" is? How do you define perfect for you?

I am much easier on myself today than when I wrote that post. Back then I was just beginning to break free from the grips of perfectionism. I think self acceptance is directly related to how perfectionistic I am in the moment. When self loathing is not my friend then perfectionism isn't either. When self loathing is front and center then perfectionism knocks at my door. There was a time when perfectionism was a warm blanket feeling to me. Striving for it made me feel better about myself. Today when I feel perfectionism nipping at my heels it is a warning bell that something is off within me. I used to spend so much energy trying to arrange life so that I could be at peace within myself. It never delivered what it promised, no matter how hard I tried. That didn't stop me from trying though. Today I have a much deeper sense that who I am, in this moment, is enough. Being at peace is as near a definition of perfection as I can put into words.

#2. Tell me about your little angel you use for your moniker. Do you have other angels in your life?

That little angel is from Willow Tree's collection of angels. I don't remember who bought it for me, or if I bought it for myself, but I have a collection of their angels which I have around my home. They have almost all been gifts.

When I was 10 years old I went to a Salvation Army Bible Camp. I remember not wanting to leave. It was my first memory of ever crying in front of others, for reasons that had nothing to do with being hurt, but tears of repentance. One night when everyone was asleep I saw an angel up in the rafters. The next morning I told many of the adults there what I'd seen but none of them believed me. Years later God reminded me of that time. A few years ago I had an experience with an angel. I was freaked out about a situation I was in, had even asked Fr. Charlie for some holy water before hand (he told me, half jesting, that if anything weird happened not to call him!) To make a long story short, I saw an angel come stand before me and its wing unfolded and covered me from head to toe, as Psalm 91:4 came to mind.

#3. Your list of movies is fabulous (in my humble opinion.) So, what's your favorite scene in "Love Actually?" Your favorite characters? Or, if you like, why is it one of your favorite movies?

I had to go look for the movie on youtube to find my favourite scene as I don't own my own copy of this movie. My favourite scene is after Emma Thompson has opened, what she thought would be a gold necklace, only to find a CD by Joni Mitchell (Joni and I share the same hometown.) Emma Thomspon then goes to the bedroom and the line "I've looked at love from both sides now." plays from Joni's CD. That scene sums up so many of the pivotal points in life. That moment when what you think is reality is shown to be something else and it forces you to reevaluate your whole life.


# 4. I loved this question in my interview, so here it is for you: If you wrote a play about your life and it was performed who would you want to play the leading lady?

When I read this on your blog I thought about it for myself and Meryl Streep came to mind right away. There have been times in my life when people have said I bear a slight resemblance to her. I also like that she doesn't seem to take the whole celebrity stuff to heart too much. She is ordinary which I like. I would want someone to play me who was gritty, who had a little edge to them. I had a saleslady help me last week who spoke in a false nice nice voice and it nearly drove me batty. I left the store wondering how much unresolved anger she had stuffed deep down inside. I was her once upon a time.

I've seen myself played in a stage play and have no wish to do so again, although in all fairness it was one chunk of my life played out on stage, and as I type this I am remembering how much healthier it is not to reject any part of my life. I'm still working on that.

#5 If you had only one quote to describe the true essence of you, what would it be?

"The unexamined life is not worth living."
~Socrates

Give Me 10 Please

When I asked Steveroni for a letter with which to write a post about 10 things I love he gave me the letter "P". It took me a long while to come up with ten P words to write about. I had to go look up a dictionary like list for help.

The rules of the game are simple. You are assigned a random letter and you should then post 10 things that you love that begin with that letter. If you read this and want to play, leave a comment that says so, and I'll assign you a random letter. And on and on it goes.


1. Pop. That would be 'soda' to some of you. I love pop. So much that I don't keep it in my house. At least not the kind I drink because it's too much like booze for me. Once I have a sip I just can't stop. I would be embarrassed to tell you how much pop I am capable of drinking. I drink it when I go out for meals and rarely in between. See, I make rules about my pop drinking, so that tells you how wretched it can be. My body does not like pop. She tugs on my sleeve and begs me to stop. I have yet to listen although I have cut down considerably.

2. Pages. It was Erasmus who said "When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left I buy food and clothes." I've never lost the thrill of burying my face into the inky freshness of a new book. Most of my books come from the library but I do buy some, too. They usually fall into three categories: a memoir, a writing book or a spiritual book. Occasionally it's fiction. My latest fiction purchase is The Higher Power of Lucky. Doesn't it sound like a great book? It should be in my mailbox soon.

3. Higher Power. Is that cheating? I love my Higher Power although I am convinced it is more important that I let my HP love me. I learned that from Brennan Manning. I believed it the second I heard it. Well, that's not completely true. First I had a momentary panic that God would frown and then I got over it. I don't think one can be loved too much. There's infatuation and other things that look like love but LOVE - can't soak up too much of that.

4. Progesterone cream. Looking in the dictionary is giving me weird ideas. I wasn't expecting to put hormones on my list of things I love. I do love my progesterone cream, though. The kind they make up in a cream that matches on a molecular level, the stuff my body makes. Or needs to make, but doesn't. This cream has been magical for me. I went from feeling like the top of my head was going to explode with built up irrational rage during PMS to being pretty well serene during that part of my cycle. The change was like night and day.

5. Pugaboo. Yep, I love me a Pug. She is a real comfort and a source of laughter and love. Her antics liven up our home. I'm tempted to get her a playmate but I don't want to train a puppy. She is a faithful companion. I am surprised at how strong my feelings for her are. Totally caught me off guard.

6. Privacy. That might sound strange considering I have a blog where I bare my soul. Yet I am a private person. We once shared a yard with a business and there were people coming and going from early morning until closing time. It was one of the least favourite places I've ever lived despite it being a very big house with lots of light. I love me some privacy. I don't want to look out a window and see someone else's window. I'd hear you coming long before I ever saw you where I live now and that suits me just fine.

7. Prayer. Although I'm private about it. I don't like to pray in front of others. I sometimes feel guilty about that but my prayer life is mostly wordless. Silence. Stillness. I admire others who are comfortable praying, talking to God, as if no one else is there, (to listen to dearest one pray is a privilege, it's like standing on holy ground) but I haven't learned how to do that very well.

8. Planting garden. I love to wiggle my toes in the earth, sinking my hands into fresh dirt and placing the seeds just so. I feel lost without a garden. Last year was the first garden in a few and I was grateful to be healthy enough to go out there in the early summer dampness to take care of it. I love to hoe the earth and breathe it all in. I come from a family who loves gardening and flowers. I still plant Evening Scented Stock every year in my garden, just like my grandma did. I am allergic to perfume and I often think of these flowers as the scent my children will remember me by.

9. Pretty things. I love pretty things. I have a real weakness for dishes and it's only my practical side that keeps the penchant for the pretty at bay. Otherwise I'd have a gazillion set of dishes and pretty bowls and cups and such. There are so many pretty things. It can be anything - from the way the sun shines through coloured glass to the elegance of a single flower in a vase. I appreciate beauty.

10. Peace. Kidding. I just asked dearest one to help me out with this last word and he said "peace." Instantly he said "nope" and we laughed. He loves peace. Wishes I would give him some. So here's an extra one because peace is really his word, not mine.

11. Play. It is only as an adult that I have loved to play. My favourite toys are my skip it, my bottle of bubbles and my crayons and colouring books. I love to play baseball but my shoulders won't let me anymore. Skipping rope is fun, too.

Well, that was harder than I thought it would be. I'd change it all but another "P" word - perfectionism - is something I'm trying to let go of so I'll let things be as they are.

Ten Points - Honest To God

Mary Christine over at One Sober Alcoholic gave me an honesty award. Being honest as far as I won't tell a bold faced lie comes easily to me, always has. Being honest, as in being upfront about how I feel, doesn't. Okay, now that I typed that out maybe I'm not as honest as I thought I was. (Waves hand up in air to get Mary Christine's attention and promptly confesses. Mary Christine turns Hope around in the direction of the confessional and says, 'there you go.'

There are rules.
List 10 honest things about yourself.
Pass around some linky love, seven to be honest.

1. When my kids were little I wouldn't let them pick up rocks from the road and take them home. I told them those rocks belong to the government. (Hold the laughter.)

2. If I had grandchildren I'd let them fill their pockets with rocks now and not feel bad at all. (Sorry adult kids.)

3. I am scared of spiders and mice. When my kids were little I pretended to love them and bravely let spiders crawl on my hands so that my kids wouldn't have phobias. Their hamsters could do no wrong. (except the day I thought one hamster had eaten another hamster and then I shook the cage with anger. The other hamster turned up running around the house several days later. Ever since we've referred to jumping to conclusions as 'eating a hamster'.) One day I decided I no longer had to pretend to have a love affair with either - don't think only daughter has forgiven me yet. She has no phobias about critters or bugs or such stuff. In fact, she skinned and gutted a mouse that her cat lovingly brought her and stretched the little hide, too. She then considered being a surgeon. She chose acting instead. There's some irony in there somehwere. (I do think I deserve an award for not becoming a screaming ninny when a Daddy Long Legs walked right over my hand and I took it in my stride and remarked about how wonderfully made it was even though I was a total screaming ninny inside.)

4. At heart I am a purse.aholic even though I only own one. I secretly covet those pretty purple, red and green purses that are in stores right now. The practical side of me frowns at the wanna be purse.aholic side of me.

5. When I'm in a public bathroom I cannot bring myself to use the toilet paper that someone else touched. To get around that I tear off the piece that they touched and if there's no garbage I simply let it fall to the floor. I always feel guilty about doing that but I just can't bring myself to use it. Now my kids will become screaming ninnies because I am the queen of telling them not to litter. I can just hear them telling me what If Everybody Did that?. Go check out that link. I really read them that book and often reminded them that if everyone did whatever crime it was they were doing, the world would collapse into chaos.

6. I love shovelling snow. And shit. When we worked on a dairy farm I cheerfully shovelled out the holding pen every day. This was before I sobered up. It should be noted that there were no bulls in the holding pen. Just me and the cows. (You did know a bull is not a cow, right?)

7. I like to put a puzzle together all by myself. I get ridiculously possessive of every puzzle piece as if I gave birth to all one thousand of them. At our Christmas family gathering with dearest one's family (40+ people) I sometimes avoid the puzzle table for exactly that reason. It's irrational, I know. Last year I made myself sit there and put puzzle pieces together but I really wished I had the puzzle all to myself.

8. I hate watching movies by myself. Once a year I watch the movie Braveheart. Now that only daughter lives far away I watch it by myself. When William Wallace yells out "freeedommmm" at the end of that movie I always get shivers. I pray for the courage to live with such integrity.

9. I cannot count the number of times I've sat in the car, ready to take off or even gotten part way down the driveway and then freaked out that I left my curling iron plugged in. One would've thought the world was coming to an end....Our house would then burn down. (Seriously a girl I knew in grade school set her house on fire by forgetting to unplug her curling iron. Another friend was at a United Nations meeting and left her curling iron plugged in and heard over the loudspeakers in every known language that would the person who left their curling iron plugged in please go take care of it.) So do you blame me for such irrational behaviour now? Dearest one has turned around more than once so I can double check. Every single time it's been unplugged. Sigh.

10. I love seeing elderly women with faces lined so deeply with wrinkles. I think they look beautiful. Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and saw crow's feet wrinkles bunched up around my eyes and then I frowned in the mirror to see what kind of wrinkles I'd have by doing that excessively. When I relaxed my face again and saw no permanent frown lines (a miracle I tell you) I decided that I'll take crow's feet over frown lines. However, if there was a cream that would make my wrinkles disappear I would buy stock in the company.

I suddenly have an urge to do a sixth step on nearly all these points of honesty.

I tag:

Patty
Stumbling Barefoot
bobbie
Chris
m2
UTO
wilsonian

Hope Needs.....

I got this meme from MPJ and had a bit of fun following the rules (imagine that!) Wait, I didn't follow the rules absolutely....it took 4 pages of google hits to find 10 "hope needs" that were not repeats or were appropriate.

The rules: Google your first name with the word "needs" behind it and post the first 10 results. Then tag others if you so desire. Consider yourself taggged if you so desire to be.

1. Hope needs some tough love. This was the very first hit. I thought to myself, who's been spying on me? I think it's a tie between fellow members in AA and Fr. Charlie for dishing out the most tough love my way. At the end of the day wanting God's will to be done in my life over my own will is what motivates me to consider, accept and stop kicking against truth spoken in the vein of tough love in my life. Notice I said at the end of the day. Some days it takes that long for me to stop kicking against it.

2. Hope needs help. Well isn't that the truth? On my own strength I am sunk. It's taken me a very long time to accept that needing help and then asking for it is a strength not a weakness. And it can be as simple as realizing shopping for a dress for the wedding should not be a solo event to picking up the 10 pound phone and calling my sponsor when I am wobbling in my program. I echo Anne Lamott when she says that one of her two favourite prayers is "Help me, help me, help me." (the other is 'thank you, thank you, thank you.)

3. Hope needs your prayers. Always. I wonder if we'll one day find out just how prayer impacted our lives and who it was that offered up that prayer in a moment when we desperately needed it. After dearest one and I became Christians, and we had moved back to this neck of the woods, I phoned up a next door neighbour we'd had when we were newlyweds. I said to her, "You're a Christian aren't you?" She then told me that she had long forgot our last name but every Tuesday for 7 years she had faithfully prayed for us when her church had a prayer and fasting day. I think we're going to be surprised, if we ever get to know, just who prayed for us and when.

4. Hope needs leadership, vision and direction. Which is why I daily put my trust in a Higher Power. I've spent many years journeying blindfolded while convinced I could see just fine thank you. Kind of like one long Pin The Tail On The Donkey game. I hope my angel is someone like Grace's Angel, Earl. That's what I picture my angel muttering constantly "Hope needs leadership, vision and direction."

5. Hope needs never die. Well Virginia, we're all going to die. At least physically. Sometime in the past year I came to the conclusion that the part of me that feels in union with God - in those nanosecond bits - is the part of me that will one day be united with God forever. Kind of like the essence of who I am, who I was created to be, will be perfected and I will be at home with myself in a way that rarely happens on earth. Anyway that's my take on it. I keep those thoughts in an open hand, accepting how little I really know about what happens next.

6. Hope needs no religion. Well, isn't that a loaded sentence? It all depends on a person's take on that 'r' word. It isn't a negative one for me but I accept it is for some people. I did lots of things religiously before I ever came into a relationship with God. Like badmouth all those hypocritical Christians around me. I see it like this: religion gives form to my relationship with God. Like a vase holds water. That may be an absolutely lousy analogy but for what it's worth the word religion doesn't make me bristle. I spent far too much time dismissing people because they were 'religious' and find myself perfectly capable of doing so today. Which means I still like to think I'm better than the next person. Lord have mercy. Here's a terrific post that I can relate to, can you?

7. Hope needs work. At first I thought this meant work as in a job. And yes, I do hope to find a part time job this fall. But when I just typed it in now I thought about it in the context of being a work in progress. Of which I continue to be. Which sums up the 6 needs above this one quite nicely.

8. Hope needs journals. I laughed when I saw this one. My very first journal was a black duo tang. It was the year my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and I was 16. We were visiting my sister in another city, staying a hotel when my mom got the phone call that her dad had terminal cancer. I had just been kissed outside the hotel room door by an old friend who lived in this city. Anyway I came home and started writing about my feelings about life. Since then I've had many different journals. They've varied from being spiral notebooks to a fancy one with green ribbing and a magnetic flap. That one was my very favourite. It takes me 6 to 8 months to fill up a journal so I've decided from here on in to buy the one I really want instead of the one that will do.

9. Hope needs to get a life. As in the one I have isn't okay as it is? When I think of someone getting a life, myself included, I think about regaining perspective and not sweating the small stuff. Problem is that it usually takes experiencing big stuff to let go of the little stuff drama. One of my biggest goals in life is to become a little old lady whose countenance shows that she knows what's important and what's not. A countenance full of life, hope and sparkle. I doubt that getting one of those is possible without experiencing some hard knocks.

10.. Hope needs to walk away. From what? Oh, the list could be a long one. I prefer to think about what I need to walk towards, to embrace. I've walked away from a lot of things in this lifetime and am sure there is more changing directions yet to come. Every day.....this day.....is a new opportunity to just that. And now I need to walk away from the computer as dearest one just pulled into the driveway from working a night shift. And I'm going to walk towards him and embrace him. The man gives the best hugs.

Weird and Weirder

I got this meme, listing ten weird things about oneself, from truevyne and tagged myself. Feel free to tag along.

1. Once I get a song stuck in my head - oh the poor saps who have to put up with it until my infatuation has run it's course. I guess the only saving grace is that I don't actually sing the song, just put it on endless repeat for months days at a time. Ok, weeks.

2. You gotta fold a towel a certain way to look right to me. Dearest one overheard me talking to my mom about this one day and afterwards wanted to know what "right" looked like. The man is the king of folding towels now. They look like they've been pressed when he's done folding them. I haven't folded more than a few towels since. Worked myself right out of a job. Towels folded in half and then again in half, then folded in thirds, finished end facing out, look fantastic.

3. However much I love all those nicely folded towels on the shelf there's usually a mass of dirty ones on the floor. Those look fine to me, too. Go figure.

4. I should be asking dearest one and kidlets what's the weirdest thing about me. I'm sure they could list ten things faster than I can type. (Leave 'em in the comments family.)I love to type. If I didn't have problems already with my shoulders I would be happy to get paid to type the day away.

5. I love a bawdy joke, a crude joke, dark humour, I do. Or a funny bumper sticker or what have you. On the weekend a lesbian friend of my sister's, bought a pin which said, "I can't even think straight." I'm still chuckling over that one. Repeating these jokes to the wrong people is met with stunned silence. The only problem is I can't usually tell who fits the criteria of wrong people until after the fact.

6. I can sit with piles of books, papers, stuff around me. But not with any residue of any kind on my fingers. Must wash hands immediately and go sit myself back down amongst the junk. Dearest one recently watched a show about slobs on tv and turned to me with a 'omg, she'll never change' look on his face.

7. Tie your long hair back if you want to come into my kitchen. Pugs excepted. LOL can you imagine a pug with long hair?

8. Family Feud is my favourite game show. Growing up on the prairies without cable tv,meant I wasn't introduced to this game show until I went east for college. Today, being a pj/couch day, I thoroughly enjoyed watching it.

9. To our friends dearest one and I are known as the heckler and the diplomat. Guess which one I am?

10. I wake up with a mowhawk hairstyle every day of my life. On the weekend I slept at oldest son's place after finishing the Relay For Life. His first comment when he came home again and saw me? "It's been a while since I saw the mowhawk." Thankfully a shower and a hair dryer fix the situation.

Flipping Pages

Tagged by Steve to complete Dr. Benton Quest's meme.

Here are the rules:

Step One – pull out a book on the book shelf.
Step Two – go to page 123.
Step Three – read and write out the 5th sentence.
Step Four – tag 5 more people.

Unlike Steve, who looked in 8 books, I looked in nearly 3 times that many. Darn. I have many books with scads of lines highlighted and not one of them was on page 123, line 5. So here is my excerpt from By Way of Grace by Paula Huston:
"We are in the presence of God, and like human lovers who 'are content, sometimes, with being near or within sight of the person they love without speaking to her, and without even distinctly thinking of her,' we simply rest in God's nearness."

And then here are several of my favourite books with quotes from page 123, just not on line 5. And yes, Steve, I did want to cheat, badly.

"But the God of the impossible won't ignore my cry." ~ Carlo Carretto in Letters from the Desert

"Most of us are living a life of addiction to our past - its mistakes and the guilt we carry - or to a future that drives us like a tyrant." ~ Fr. Francis Stroud, S.J. in Praying Naked: the spirituality of Anthony de Mello

"Gratitude makes us whole, not stuff" ~ Earnie Larsen in Destination Joy

"There is a kind of knowing, a kind of powerful conviction, that comes from spiritual emptiness." ` Richard Rohr in Everything Belongs.

Tagging whoever wants to play along.

Tagging Along

I got tagged this morning by bobbie. I have about 5 minutes before I need to go get ready for the rest of the day so here goes:

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.


1)What was I doing 10 yrs ago?

1998. I was homeschooling all three kids. They were 14, 11 and 10. It was the year I started writing again after a 10 year absence. The last time I'd written anything I'd been doing some freelance work for a farm weekly and did my last interview for that paper when I was 9 months pregnant. The guy I interviewed was an AA member and I was 3 months from getting sober. Wait, that's all 20 years ago.

2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order):

I used to be the queen of to-do lists. My day was ruled by them in a way that put the list ahead of relationships. I rarely make them anymore. But because I could forget what I really need to do today here is my own reminder:

1. Counseling appointment at sexual abuse center
2. AA meeting following that
3. Grocery shopping
4. Try on the next size smaller of jeans cause dearest one and I are going clothes shopping next week.
5. Prepare for tonight's phone interview with radio producer

3) Snacks I enjoy:

Ah, too bad this isn't a list of snacks I used to indulge in when I used food as my escape route instead of facing those ever loving feelings. These days when I'm hungry between meals I either grab a piece of fruit or some olive oil and cracked pepper triscuits topped with cheese. Occasionally a yogourt granola bar.

4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:

Give most of it away. Hoarding is one of my character defects.
Create several charities
Create scholarship funds for needy students
Build a retreat center for my out-in-the-booney part of the planet

5) Three of my bad habits:

Just three? Aw.
1. Interrupting people
2. Getting distracted by visuals when someone is talking to me
3. Tiptoeing across the floor in my muddy footwear (shhh, don't tell)

6) 5 places I have lived: (i'm anonymous, so i'm going to be vague, just because i'd like to stay that way...)

1. Alberta
2. Saskatchewan
3. Ontario
4. More Alberta
5. More Saskatchewan

7) 5 jobs I have had:

1. Telephone solicitor
2. Cashier
3. Receptionist
4. Telephone Answering Service Operator
5. Welcome Wagon Lady

8) 5 peeps I wanna know more about:

I'm running out of time so whoever would like to play, play along. Play nice. Play. Play is good. Which reminds me. I need to buy something today that has to do with playing. Like a skipping rope or a giant bubble wand. Or sidewalk chalk.

Pick a number, any number

I've seen this around on several blogs and it started my brain running on overdrive. What memories to pick from my life 10, 20 and 30 years ago. Let's see what I can come up with.

10 years ago: 1997. 35th birthday. The year I had two lumpectomies to rule out breast cancer. My mom had breast cancer when she was 33 and again at 51.(she turns 69 next week) One of my maternal first cousins, who's in her early 40's, recently had breast cancer too so lumps must be checked. With the second surgery I hemorrhaged at home and had to have emergency surgery to stop the bleeding plus several units of blood afterwards. On the way to the hospital I swelled up with blood so much that I often joke I got to be Dolly Parton on one side for onle day. I don't recommend it. (You could poke someone's eye out) The good part of it all was this experience started doctors checking into the bleeding issues in our family and ultimately ended with the diagnosis of Ehlers-Danlos Type III, a connective tissue disorder, a few years ago. Generations of weird medical issues were finally answered because of that lumpectomy gone wrong.

20 years ago: 1987. I was 25. Very pregnant with youngest son while oldest son is one year old and only daughter is three. Not yet sober. Less than a year from sobriety and faith. One of the rockiest years. Nearly left dearest one. That episode brought him to his knees and back to God. We still get teary when we talk of how close we came to splits ville that day. How it would have boiled down to pride for us to have gone our separate ways back then. How grateful we are that we didn't. We've had lots of rocky times since but thanks be to God, we celebrated 25 years of marriage this past winter. My going to treatment has probably been the greatest threat to our marriage yet. As we both work through our issues and the layers get peeled back, we are beginning to see how beautiful true intimacy could be.

30 years ago: 1977. 15 years old. The year dearest one and I stopped being pen pals. I was heartbroken. He was raised in a conservative Mennonite home where church membership meant no dating, no girlfriends. Never having heard the term Mennonite before, I had no idea what it meant. Isn't that like, uh, me being Norwegian? Not. His immanent baptism meant he had to stop writing me. The night before his baptism he got drunk instead and opted out of the plan. With a few years we would reconnect and by the time I was 19 we were married.


And in the vein of dreaming dreams I'll add:

2017: I'll be 55. Best word I could hear in that year would be "Hi Nana" That would be what I'd hear when they knock on the door of my writing cabin. A place of sanctuary for young and old alike. Not that 55 will be old, but I will be fully grey by then. Heck, I'll probably be fully grey long before that.

2027: Retirement age. Knowing and living what is really important. Fewer words. More meaning. Deeper loving. Strong hope.

2037: 75. What a gift to reach that age. Family. Relationships. Faith. Passing the torch to the next generation. Love. At the end of it all, love is what matters. "God is love. And he who abides in love abides in God and God in him." What better legacy could one leave?

Wishful Thinking

Sometime before I went to the treatment centre Heidi tagged me for a meme. Somewhere in my pile of papers scattered hither and yon I have the meme answered already. A lot of good that's doing me right now! Last night as dearest one and I walked he pulled this fat little notebook from his pocket and offered it to me - for those notes you're always making - he said. He said it would be better than me tearing bits of paper off a page and writing God knows what on them. I told him all those bits made sense to me. He shook his head at that point while I reached out and took the notebook.

Anyway, here are the rules of the meme:

- the person has to either be a) dead, or b) alive, but no way you'll ever have a chance to have dinner with them.
- real people only. no fictional characters.
- it's not 6 individual dinners. it's a dinner party with 6 people (plus you). think of the mix.
- assume no language barriers. in other words, it doesn't matter if they speak or spoke another language than you and your other guests. you have magic instant translation technology.
- Jesus doesn't count. it's a dinner party. therefore, 2 or more are gathered. therefore, Jesus is already there.

Consider yourself tagged if you'd like to do this meme.


First of all I wanted to plan the menu just as much as who will be there. But I won't.

1. Rich Mullins. The photo of Rich on the back of An Arrow Pointing To Heaven haunts me. [click on the back cover link on the left side of the linked page to see] His eyes feel like they are trying to tell me everything that's truly important in this life. While in the treatment centre I listened to his Songs CD as I went to sleep every night. My family groans, I'm sure, with the thought of me fixating on a CD of any kind. I have this habit of listening to a song or group of songs daily for a very long time. Rich Mullins' music is one of those fixations. I want to pick this man's brain. Well, really, his heart.

2. Brennan Manning I can't think of Rich without thinking of Brennan. I have had dessert with Brennan. I regret that I was in a pissy head space at the time. [long story] My friend had told him I was a writer and Brennan asked me if I was writing anything....just know I let that opportunity to share that part of myself with him blow right by me. I will always remember Brennan's interaction with our waiter. He drew that young man right in with his questions about his life away from the restaurant. He was not making polite small talk. Brennan was genuinely interested. I saved for a long time the chocolate Brennan gave me. The one his hotel staff had placed on his pillow after they cleaned his room. So dinner with Brennan would have to include chocolate even though I am allergic to it and eating it makes me itch. I really would like a second chance to get a glimpse of this man's heart. Absorbing Brennan's teaching in his workshop was, well, life changing. I had this sense that God was working something out in me, in such a deep place that I couldn't access it. It was several years later that that working out bore some fruit and a lightbulb went on in me. While I was in treatment one day someone new in detox came into the lunch room and his resemblance to Brennan was strong. Similar facial features and the same build, same white shock of hair, but younger.

3. Anne Lamott Anne Lamott gave me hope that I could be comfortable being my authentic self and a Christian. That I could laugh at the ribbald jokes that I still found funny while embracing my faith. It's as if my face relaxed when I read her words. She gave me hope that I could stop playing the game and start being real. I admire the way she can zing me with her wisdom when I'm least expecting it. More gentle than a slap up the side of the head, but every bit as effective at getting my attention.

4. Okay, I was reduced to trying to find the elusive piece of paper with my list on it. No luck. So I looked above my computer to see whose quotes are the most plentifully plastered on the wall. Thomas Merton it is. I have a little pocket book of his that I carry with me to read in waiting rooms and such. One gem after another. I've read several of his books and am reading quotes of his on other's blogs regularly. My favourite right now is this one:

"If I, as a Christian, believe that my first duty is to love and respect my fellow in his personal frailty and perplexity, in his own unique hazard and need for trust, then I think that the refusal to let him alone, to entrust him to God and his conscience, and the insistence on rejecting them as persons until they agree with me, is simply a sign that my own faith is inadequate."
~From "Apologies to an Unbeliever" by Thomas Merton

5. Flannery O'Connor I haven't read much of her work but her Habit Of Being book was one I could hardly put down. I have two favourite kinds of books. Those thin ones that cut through the crap and contain so much worth savouring. And the ones that are thick which you wish were never ending, with tidbits of jewels scattered throughout. The Habit of Being was of the second kind. In having Flannery to dinner my wish would be to absorb through osmosis her way of interpreting life and human beings.

6. There was a point in reading her The Shaping of A Life memoir that I stopped and simply let what she wrote sink into me. Into my bones. In Phyllis Tickle I felt I had found a kindred spirit.


All the people I've chosen have shown me their humanity in one way or another through their music or writing. I want to eat with people who can laugh at themselves one minute and in the next show me their heart. People I can be myself with. One day I hope I can be like that with anyone, but I'm so not there yet. And while I wrote about people who could be considered famous in some circles I thought of many of you as I typed. Some of you are linked in my mind with some of these people I have chosen. Sometimes because I know you admire them as I do and sometimes because your lives have had just as much impact on my life as theirs.
Bon appetit.

Lightening Up

I need a little break. People have often said I'm intense. My dad told me after I became a Christian that I should lighten up a little. He said I was much more fun before all this Jesus fuss. I wanted to remind him that I had been a very fun drunk (most of the time) but I didn't. Drinking is the only way I know to really relax and cut loose. I hope rehab will help me discover fun without the hang over.

All this to say that I got tagged to list 8 random facts about myself and I'm choosing ones that are devoid of seriousness and intensity.

1. When I was growing up a neighbour lady had an out of proportion fear of barn swallows dive bombing her. So much so that one day she came to our house until her husband could come home and get rid of the swallow nest that was above their front door. Her kids ended up with the same fears. I determined not to do that. So the whole time my kids were growing up I pretended to like spiders, bugs, mice and all those things. "Oh, isn't that a cute spider, sure, let it crawl all over my hand." Yes, a person can be screaming inside and calm outside. I did it for years. The end result was that my kids have less freak attacks about those things than they might have had I been left to my own devices. I do think only daughter felt a bit betrayed though when I finally decided, when she was an older teen, I had accomplished what I set out to do and told her that no, I really didn't want to hold her hamster and no it was not cute. This whole story is only funny if you know just how much control it takes not to scream and fuss about those things that really scare the crap out of you. I wonder who the patron saint of phobias is. Last week a big honking spider crawled across the livingroom floor. I did let out a squawk and took a coffee cup and covered it. Then I was too scared to do anything else with it so I left it there for the whole day until dearest one could deal with it. See, I'm no different than my neighbour lady. Although I'd rather have a barn swallow dive bomb me than a spider crawl across my path any day.

2. I did sing that "Itsy, bitsy spider song" to my kids despite my fear of the suckers (the spiders, not the kids). I cannot carry a tune to save my soul. I wonder what age kids are when they figure out their mother cannot sing in tune? This random fact about my not being able to carry a tune is only funny (or sad, depending on your point of view) if you've heard me sing. Sorry kids.

3. Jann Arden, Joni Mitchell, Leonard Cohen, The Bare Naked Ladies and k.d. lang are some of my favourite Canadian Artists who can sing in tune. I'm listening to Dido while I type but I don't think she's Canadian.

4. The farthest east I've travelled in Canada is to Quebec. I went on a student exchange the summers I was 16 and 17. Once to southern Ontario and once to Montreal. My father worked for Beaver Lumber then, which was owned by Molson's. Every summer Molson's sponsored the teenage children of their employees to go on an exchange to another part of the country. It was a privilege to be a part of this. Being a guest in a francophone household really stretched my high school french. Of course, like many teenage girls, the words for boyfriends and important stuff like that was the content of our first foray in speaking one another's language.

5. I am not bilingual much to only daughter's chagrin. When she was younger and tallying up the various heritage between her parents she was so disappointed that not one of the languages that could have been her ticket to bilingualism was in our portfolio of skills. She learned Latin instead.

6. I am a mixture of English, Italian, Danish and Norwegian. My great aunt tried to teach me Norwegian but gave up when I couldn't rrrroll my rrrrr's.

7. I can't roll my tongue either.

8. Or wiggle my ears.