Sunshine On My Fingertips

There is a strip of sunshine running across my fingertips as I type. It makes me smile.

A year ago tomorrow I stepped away from blogging, unsure of whether I'd start again or not. It took months for me to stop looking at happenings in my life as bloggable moments. The break has been good.

But here I am, giving it another go.

I don't know what exactly I've learned in the past year. I do know I'm further down the road including the times when the road has seemed to circle around to the same stuff. My spiritual director would say that even though the view sometimes looks the same it's from a different place on the road.

Deeper awareness. Hopefully, deeper acceptance. The more layers that get peeled off, the deeper the hope. Funny how the more aware I've become of my humanity, the more I've been able to accept myself. And then when that happens, change not only becomes possible, it happens.

I spent so many years fighting to distance myself from my humanity, protesting that "no, I'm not like that", whatever that was in the moment. Whatever I see in others is in me, too. I'm much more the same as everyone else than different.

I'm embarrassed at how long it took me to accept that reality. I was never going to be human. I was aiming for super human, better than, better. These days I am content to be me.Yes, there are moments what seems like long stretches when my ego runs the show. Sometimes I recognize it in the now and sometimes after the fact.

Yesterday I jumped off a diving board. Water went straight up my nose and burned like hell. I coughed and sputtered when I surfaced and swam to the edge of the pool where I heaved myself up and rested. One of many who jumped. No need to be the only one, the best one. Just me. Being a kid in a middle aged woman's body.

On Hiatus

This is my 1249th post!
I'll be on blog hiatus for several weeks.
My desk is piled so high with papers I now have to look over them to see the bottom of the computer screen. Hopefully in the next few weeks I will find my desk top.

See you in my 1250th post August 14th!


Photo Credit

Heart Problems

Taking another blogging break.
Be back later.
If I don't post by next weekend please pray for me
as I will be headed then to city far away for medical tests
for my enlarged heart.
Thanks.

Catch Ya On The Flip Side

I'm taking an indefinite blogging break.
Too much going on that can't be written about here.
And it creates disconnect within me to write here about the mundane
and be struggling with deeper stuff offline.
I may be gone a day or a month.
God only knows.
Oh, that sounds so holy, doesn't it,
as if I consult God about blogging.
Which I don't.
Sometimes when I'm writing a blog post I do leave it sit a bit
because I sense there is more to write
and it hasn't come to the surface yet.
But I don't know if that has anymore to do with God or my ego.
See ya on the flip side.
Don't give up hope.

Sidetracked

I have a full week ahead of me.
Three days of work, then two afternoons of appointments.
One evening meeting lasting 4 hours long where I'll give a preview
of a talk I am giving at a women's retreat next month.
Then a road trip to see only daughter
and get some medical tests done and see
the cardiologist.
The cardiologist who will rag on me about my weight
as usual, for not being in that magical range
that I will never be in again.
I'm okay with that.
She won't be.

I wish she could see this journey of self acceptance
is so much more important than the number on the scale.
Celebrate the success of my not binge eating anymore.
Celebrate the weight loss I do have.
But no, it will be boiled down to a number on the scale.
I guess I better deal with that before I have me some
huge ass resentment.
(I can hear the cardiologist telling me
I already have the huge ass bit down pat.)

Sorry, got sidetracked by the committee in my head.

Anyway, all that to say I'm taking a blog posting break until after I get back home towards the end of the month. Talk to you then.