Halfway There

"I can't remember the word."

I'm sitting in my therapist's office yesterday feeling brain dead. I sit there with my head in my heads trying to think of the word I want. Eventually it comes to me although my train of thought has lost its momentum.

I now know not to book a therapy appointment at the end of my three day stint of work. I am too tired to think straight. I just want to go home and put on my pjs and watch mindless TV. We agree to cut my session short. I rebook for a later on in the month, on a day when I don't work. I'll hopefully have more brain cells by then.

I leave her office and get in my car. It's in a scary part of town. I could walk out of my therapist's office and buy drugs, booze or sex. There are always people on the sidewalk across the street from my car watching. Some days that makes me feel scared. I park as close to her office door as possible. I always want to get in my car and lock the doors. I often feel bad that I want to do that in that part of town.

I don't know why I'm writing this other than to get it out of my head. Random thoughts on a morning when I can stay in my pjs as long as I want.

Anyway, I make a u turn right on the street and head off to buy groceries. My body hurts. Yog pup has a penchant for slippers. I can't remember where I put mine, most likely somewhere out of his reach. My slippers have my insoles in them that make my feet hurt less. I love how I feel in high heels at the start of the day. By the end of the day I think they are instruments of torture. I feel every step as I push the cart into the store. Halfway there I remember that perspective is everything. One thing I've been learning the past few years is that I can turn any statement of "I have to" into "I get to". I remember that not too many years ago we had no money to buy groceries. We were regular food bank users. In my neck of the woods that was 5 bags of groceries once a month. We had three teenagers to feed. I'm thinking all this as I head into the store and rephrase my "having to buy groceries" to "I get to buy groceries". It doesn't make my feet hurt any less but my attitude improves greatly.

Showing Up

Tears are close to the surface tonight.
It's been that kind of day.
Biotchy I think it's called.
Thankfully these days are few and far between.
It used to be that I didn't know any other way to deal with my emotions
or the actions of others.
I'm writing this Saturday night to post Sunday morning.
Maybe in the morning I'll have something else to say.
Or not.

I vented at my AA meeting today. Gained some perspective in the feedback I got from my sharing. I love my homegroup. These people know and love me as I am. They also kick me in the butt when needed. They're about the only people in the world I'll welcome a butt kick from. I can't do this journey alone. Yesterday someone in the fellowship told me I was trying too hard.

Today I was reminded how far being grateful goes when a person feels down. How much thinking of other people helps one quit taking life so seriously. And I got reminded that there are much worse things to have my panties in a knot over than my mountain of a molehill.

It was a day.

I wrote 1738 words when I got home for NaNoWriMo. I'd written about 600 of those a few years ago and had forgotten just how much detail I'd done in outlining about 6 chapters of this book. Who knows if it will make sense at the end of the month but, one day at a time, I will hopefully make the 50,000 word count. I wrote in the space of about an hour today so I can churn the words out if I have to. I'd forgotten I'd learned how to do that eons ago. Dearest one told me I could write all the papers he has due for the rest of his courses if I wanted to. Hah.

The editor in me is chomping at the bit, wanting to go back and edit in between, but that will drive me batty before too long so I'll just keep going. I'd been posting here daily since the beginning of July to simply learn how to show up to the page whether I felt like it or not. That's helped me gain courage to try the NaNoWriMo thingamajig.

Well, I am so tired I am not going to be coherent much longer.
Have yourself a great turning the clock back kind of Sunday.
As my dad says, "Every day above ground is a good day."

Attitude Adjustment In Progress

It's bound to be an interesting day when I start it by sternly telling the energizer bunny to get over herself already.

Here's some pug entertainment to brighten your day. Not our pug, but the energizer bunny looks just like her.

Really, Really

My goal for today is to do the next right thing whether I feel like it or not.
I don't feel like going to the hassle of getting ready to go to town for my AA meeting. I'm going anyway.
I could list a whole long list of don't feel like it stuff yet where would that get me? Welcoming a long slide into apathy. Apathy feels wretched. When I get to that point I want to wallow in it while hoping the feeling will pass. Which makes me remember a day 20+ years ago when I told a friend I was sitting there praying to be inspired to do the housework. She said that I had to get off my butt and pick up the broom and then maybe God would inspire me to do the rest. My response was really? She gave me a "really, really sweetheart" look. On days like today that little conversation reminds me to get off my butt and do the next right thing.