Saturday, August 25, 2012

A Good Mother

"I'm surprised you're not cleaning the house."

I look up at youngest son, who has poked his head in my office, as I have this artis's music blaring from my phone.

I turn the sound down and look at him quizzically. He then reminds me that I used to listen to that artist's music as I cleaned house. He tells me to ask his sister, he bets she'd remember it, too.

We don't have a stereo in our house any more and I can't remember the last time I listened to music as I cleaned. I dimly remember that I ever did.

He's goes back to sorting and cleaning out his room, getting ready to go back to university. Tomorrow - containers of childhood things are on his list of things to sort through. He's ready to let go of things from his past.

I sit there and think back. I know it says in the promises that we will not regret the past but there are memories that haunt me still about my behaviour in this lad's childhood. Probably the hardest is that I believe that the bulk of the hard inner work is ahead of him, yet.  Damn, that's painful work. Several years ago I committed out loud to my adult kids that I would do whatever they needed from me when that time came for them.

There was a time when only daughter cut off all communication with me and she told me recently that had I not changed, that phone call letting me know not to call or email her, would have been the last one she made to me.

Someone I deeply respect in the program has talked again lately of how the program is one of suggestions but that there are over 50 instances in the Big Book of the word 'must'. I've had a note stuck in my book for a long time to try and find them. I spent some time this weekend doing that. I haven't found them all yet but the first one I found is on page 14 and it says
"I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all."
It's a god good reminder especially as this is the song I was listening to:

4 comments:

Mary Christine said...

I have regrets about the way I treated my children when I was drunk - and even in early sobriety when I took them literally when they said "meetings had to come first." When I could have made amends, I was creating more damage....

There are a lot of musts.

Black Pete said...

I'm a newbie at the clean and sober life, but I figure that regrets are part of the journey. Right?

Hope said...

Pete - the promises from the Big Book say in part that we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. It's better read in context if you have access to it.

Pru said...

I totally remember you cleaning house to Jann Arden. Youngest Brother is absolutely correct. :)