Friday, January 14, 2011

Through Gritted Teeth

Despite it being between minus 30C and minus 40C for days on end, plus snowing (over a foot and counting), well, I'll take that over flooding any day. When my spiritual director said that this afternoon I had to agree. So much for my planned communal whine fest on who in their right mind signs up for this after they've experienced it one winter, never mind decades of them.

But I restrained myself.

It was good, however, to touch base with him and get his feedback even if it had to be via phone due to the weather. And in the vein of my post the other day I was honest with him which meant my side of the conversation was peppered with a lot of "I don't give a shit" comments. It's been many, many weeks since I've been to church or a meeting and the longer it gets the harder it is to be motivated to care.

Part of me wants to remind you, especially if you've never experienced it, that it's January in the north, Spring feels like it is buried far beneath the horizon and we still get less than 8 hours of daylight (although it feels like the never appearing sun has to shine to get even that!) I haven't felt well physically. You get the drift. All that is code for don't rain on my pity party. Like a good friend used to tell me ~
"Enjoy that there pity pot while you're sitting on it because you won't sit there forever."
Then he'd throw his head back and laugh stopping only to take a drag on his smoke, when I'd shoot him a fuck you look, which only made him laugh all the harder. Because he was right, dammit. And we both knew it.

Some days I resist wanting to remember that no matter what, my attitude is mine to choose.

I told Fr. Charlie that I had decided that when my spoon supply, the weather or the road conditions were not a factor, my place was to be both at Mass and meetings because I have a responsibility to myself and to the communities I am a part of.

But I don't feel any joy about it; more a begrudgingly doing the right thing despite myself, knowing eventually I will care again. I have been surprised by what can happen when one simply shows up anyway. Many times I have told God, through gritted teeth, that I am here out of obligation, wherever here happens to be only to have that split moment happenstance where Grace reduces to me tears reminding me that I'm right where I'm meant to be.

There have been positive things I've been doing in the meantime including nearly daily contact with my sponsor and a regular period of meditation, but there really is no substitute for flesh and blood meetings on both fronts.

4 comments:

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

There's always the online meeting community too. I say from experience, there is desperation and need in those online meetings.

In case weather shuts you in and you want to remember what it's like out there.

Enchanted Oak said...

Thank you for popping in to my blog and leaving me messages of HOPE. I'm here to do the same for you, if only just to let you know you're not alone, you're in a cycle and the cycle will change because that's the nature of cycles, and not only that, but I believe God honors those times when all you can do is suit up and show up in spite of your feelings.

I loved this sentence: "But I don't feel any joy about it; more a begrudgingly doing the right thing despite myself, knowing eventually I will care again." I know exactly what that feels like! I know that begrudging thing, and that gritted teeth thing. I also know that part about going through the right motions anyway.

Sometimes the best we can do is suit up and show up, to be present on purpose. It's that decision-making action of the 3rd step. They told me a long time ago that faith is not a feeling. Faith is acting in spite of feelings. Usually if I take myself to an AA meeting when I'm in that state, and am called on to share, and I tell the truth about myself and why I have come anyway, invariably someone comes up to me to say that blessed them. Then I feel great!!!

So sorry about the snow and the wind chill. You have my respect for choosing to live in such a place. But go to a meeting, Hope. Exercise your hope !!!

Jim said...

"Many times I have told God, through gritted teeth, that I am here out of obligation, wherever here happens to be only to have that split moment happenstance where Grace reduces to me tears reminding me that I'm right where I'm meant to be.".....

So much said here about the journey, at least the way I have found it to be in my own stagger down the path. "Grace", the reality, not the definition, finds God in this with us for "the long haul", His love greater than our bullheadedness, His patience willing to wait us out.....

Andrew said...

You know where you are and you know what to do.

This sounds a lot more like a seasonally affected disorder than a pity pot to me.

Please take good care Hope.