Sunday, November 01, 2009

Merciful God

"God, I've got a bad attitude."

I'm talking to God in my head
as I go about getting the altar ready for Mass.
I'm feeling tired and cranky.
Teary, too.
I don't want to be of service today.
I want to be on the receiving end only.

I had dragged my sorry butt to Mass at the last minute,
hoping someone else had readied the altar,
had seen to all the little details
of preparation.
No such luck.
So I grumbled to God and went about His business.

The Mass had barely begun when tears pricked my eyes.
I still wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.
With only a scant handful of people present
it would be hard to pull that off
without making a spectacle of myself.

Instead I went and was the altar server.
Keenly aware of being so close
to the consecration.
Sacred space.

Yesterday I'd shared a part of my story
that is still in the process of healing,
with a large group of women.
Normally I look forward to giving these talks.
I usually feel confident and find them life giving.
Not so yesterday.
It was one of those times when I shared what I did
out of a sense of obedience.
In a not my will, but Yours be done kind of way.
Resistant all the way.

Many of these women I have known for
10 years. They just didn't know this part of my story.
Afterwards one came to me and confided
that she is in the midst of experiencing
my not too long ago nightmare.
I can only hope that my vulnerability
was a ray of hope for her.
I came home and told dearest one I wanted to
curl up on his lap and lay with my head on his shoulder.
That would work fine if I was the size of a child
but not so well as an adult.

So instead we went and lay down together.
I curled up in his arms and laid my head
on his shoulder.
We slept the sleep of the dead.
After not too many hours awake
we went back to sleep.
I slept 10 hours straight.
The Pugs must have sensed my insecurities
because they both wanted to lay
as close to me as they could.

Today I am still feeling vulnerable and exposed.
Insecure, too.
My joints hurt and my muscles feel weary.
I went through the motions at Mass.
All the while having a running dialogue in my head with God.
Not that I actually heard anything back.
I do have faith though, that God not only understood
me but accepts me as is, in my irritability, and vulnerability.

My need for affirmation today is strong.
I hate feeling like that.
I tend to judge myself as weak
for needing it.
It is what it is.
This too shall pass.


Gin said...

The other day at church I had to walk out to the parking lot and cry. I just walked out there and cried and cried and cried. I get where you are coming from!!!

enchantedoak said...

I'm so glad you went through the motions and served despite your emotional upheaval. They tell us "Take the body and the mind will follow" and "Act as if" in an effort to give us hope when we're feeling down. I believe God loves you, just as you are, weak and irritable and vulnerable. My sponsor tells me "It came to pass, it didn't come to stay."
A little affirmation and hugs for you...

Anonymous said...

I shared some heavy stuff today myself and I feel a bit emotionally hung over, too. Baby steps.

Steve E. said...

Hope, you have a wonderful command of the language. And you express yourself SO ARE a writer!

As you took us through your day, I went back to my own. I sang bass in the choir, we sang Magnificat and it was SO pretty, chant, ya know? And we sang the SUMMONS, a song which used to bring out my tears. Guess what? It brought them out again. I just could not help myself, one of those things.

So, it's NOT only just you women who suffer with unknown hurts, feelings, and poor me's. It IS a human condition.

Thank for an excellent post which kept me awake for one more half-hour.

annie said...

I am glad you have dearest one to lean on, along with God. You are such an inspiration Hope.

Tall Kay said...

I love how in touch you are with how you feel and your ability to ask for what you need. I believe we feel vulnerable when we let the walls down around our hearts. It's scary to let those walls down after they have protected us so well. I've learned that's the only way that God gets in...when our walls are down. A spiritual awakening usually follows for me. I hope you have one coming too!

Heidi Renee said...

I affirm you dear friend (typed fried instead of friend - knew you'd appreciate that) - lighting a candle for you as soon as I'm done typing this comment. Much love and long distance hugs go along with my prayers.

Black Pete said...

Odd as this may sound, I'd say you had one hell of a successful day, kiddo.

daisymarie said...

I think I kinda sorta know what you mean. Being that vulnerable is like walking into a blizzard in a bikini. It leaves your immune system no way to protect you and you end up feeling sick. Cacooning feels good then. Holing up gives time for wounds freshly opened to cover over again.

Prayer Girl said...

God loves you just as you are. He loves you when you are strong and He loves you in your weakness. Ultimately, in a yielded spirit, He can turn weakness into strength. And I know you have such a spirit.

Love, peace, and prayers,

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Hope as always you inspire, you reveal your soul here in ways that are so life affirming,I can only imagine that what you shared not only helped people but will continue too. It is in our tears and our rawness that we are healing. Love to you!

Ellie said...

You write so beautifully. It is brave to share those vulnerable parts of yourself, and trusting that God will see you through it, start to bring you some healing.

You are strong and brave and true.

Thank you.

Lou said...

Oh Hope, I know this feeling. But you did go through the motions instead of staying in and feeling sorry for yourself.

How nice you were able to curl up. A comforting snuggle can right a lot of things!