"....Here we learned that trouble was really a fact of life for everybody - a fact that had to be understood and dealt with. Surprisingly, we found that our troubles could, under God's grace, be converted into unimaginable blessings."
~ Page 110 As Bill Sees It
I belong to a pretty relaxed AA home group. What I mean by that is that every meeting we read a page from As Bill Sees It and we leave it up to the one doing the reading to pick a page, any page, to read from. It's kind of like Russian Roulette. Sure feels that way sometimes. The reading won't kill you but boy, it sometimes hits one right in the heart. Such was the case yesterday when the reading was the one above.
I was one weepy mess from beginning to end of the meeting. I thank God for a safe place to simply be and let the tears flow. It is a gift from God that I can look at what is going on in my life and see the good in it even though I feel like I'm at my limit of emotional pain. There was a time when I would have manipulated, connived and generally tried to get circumstances to go my way. Back then I believed that was the only path to serenity. Nope. It was the only path to insanity. I have never felt more powerless in my life than I have lately. That's not a bad thing. I am learning things left, right and center. The only way is through the pain, not around it. Not wait for things to go my way but accept things the way they are.
It's only in these kind of times in my life that I clearly see how much of the 12 steps have saturated my being and where I am still in need of surrender. Through tears and the grace of God, I am still surrendering. There is no other path to serenity.